the sabbatical

heartbreak hotel

2012-02-16T02:00:00.002-06:00

lets get back on track, eh?

this blog was not intended to tell the world wide web every time some guy hurt my feelers.

SABBATICAL sally. back on track.

literally.

im restless. thats what i do. i live. i love. i laugh. then i relocate and repeat steps 1-3 (brian mcknight, anyone?) :)

Back to One-Brian McKnight -flash back to 6th grade!! Shout out to cody ryan, my first boyfriend! sigh*

(.......adderall is wearing off)

what was i saying?

o right...

i have no time to be blogging my little heart out because....... i am MOVING.

yes. its the second time i have loaded all my belongings into a 6' x 12' U-Haul cargo trailer and dragged it behind my 4runner to head west bound.

but moving is a relative term for someone like sabbatical sally. san francisco lasted a whopping 8 months.

san diego has the potential to last 1 day (my mom wishes) or 100 years (God, please take me before i reach the ripe old age of 124!)

silly questions ive been getting:

why are you moving to san diego?

-who doesnt want to live in san diego? next question please.

how long are you going to live there?

-how often do you move somewhere with all your shit in a uhaul and think... "this will be fun for a few weeks/months?" dumb.

takin it a day at a time.

and my personal favorite...

are you taking your dogs?

-no, im actually dropping them off at the pound on my way out of town...WHATT?? if you were moving would it be a logical question for someone to ask you "are you taking your children?" very dumb.

here is where i apologize to anyone that is reading this that has asked me any of those questions! :) sorry!! hehe

mmk... back to packing up my life in brown boxes.

night night, world wide web.

give in to me. leighton meester and garrett hedlund.

2012-02-13T14:19:00.000-06:00

i've been somewhat judgmental of people who are with one person when they want to be with someone else. I kept pointing my finger and shaking my head... and even getting angry about it. it really turns me off. i just never want to be the girl that someone is with because they can't be with the girl they really wanna be with. How sad for all parties involved. this poor girl thinks she has an awesome boyfriend who is completely devoted to her, but actually he's just using her to suppress memories of the girl he wishes he was with? and hell, who knows. maybe shes doing it to him, too. so its a fake relationship based on being with the next best thing??

so while I was thinking about all that I stepped back and realized...

I was doing it, too.

It's real easy to get caught in a similar situation... The guy you want to be with is unavailable for one reason or the other (probably bc he is still hooked on his last girl) so you end up hanging out with someone else and all the sudden they have feelings for you and you're still thinking about mr. unavailable and here you are in the same predicament that you've been judging others for. So here's what I've decided.

My heart is set on you
I don’t want no one else
And if you don’t want me
I guess I’ll be all by myself

might seem silly to some people that you would just choose to be alone if you can't have the one you want but to me it makes perfect sense. Why would you continue this never ending cycle of hurting yourself and those around you when you could be the bigger person and just decide to deal with your shit on our own. can you not be alone? I'm not gonna bring someone else into this mess.

I know what I want. I know I can't have it. So I'll sit here and sulk for a minute then I'll get up and go to yoga and get on with my life. I'm not saying you should be alone forever. I'm just saying that I don't wanna be with anyone else until they make me feel as good as I did with him.

Giddy. Racing heart. Butterflies. Smile til it hurts.... I deserve that.

And the guy I'm with deserves for me to feel that way about him. and he should feel that way about me. And so. Until I find that "I guess I'll be all by myself"

this might seem dramatic or extreme, especially for the certain circumstance i am in. i mean i dont even think you could call it dating. and maybe i never even wanted him to be my boyfriend. and maybe hes not my dream guy. all i know is that the feeling that i get when i am with him, think about him, get a call/text from him...

that. is. wonderful.

and i dont know what it is about him that made me feel that way. but whatever it is. its addicting. and i want it. so if im gonna be with anyone- i want them to make me feel like that- i dont wanna live my life in a mediocre relationship with someone i think is nice and funny but doesnt give me butterflies when he walks into a room.

maybe i didnt believe in that feeling before, but now that i know it exists im not giving in til i have it.

how bout them apples, world wide web?

Okay, OKAY! I hear you!!

2012-01-04T01:43:00.001-06:00

I was taking a before bed shower, listening to a random mix of country music on shuffle from my iPhone. I happened to be singing along (seeing as how I have heard all those songs about 100x since they are on my iPhone) even though I wasnt all there mentally. Im not sure why but for some reason my head just wasnt all there. Then suddenly I realized I was about 1/2 way through a song I love. By Eli Young Band! Love them! I started singing it louder. And louder. Then I paid attention to the lyrics... Then...I froze.

You've got a heart that's broken and a will that's given up
A cynical mind and a soul that's worn and rough
You're a fighter, no one can get the best of you
Don't let 'em stay too close, that's why you play every man for a fool

I don't care, you can live your life alone
Was only tryin' to show you how to love again
Tried and tried to chip away your heart of stone
Was only tryin' to show you how to love again

How are you gonna fall if you don't take that leap
You live in fear, fear of lovin' me
And I'm givin' up, I'm givin' up on you
Because you'll never change and
Givin' your heart away is one thing you won't do

I don't care, you can live your life alone
Was only tryin' to show you how to love again
Tried and tried to chip away your heart of stone
was only tryin' to show you how to love again
love again.....

I don't care, you can live your life alone
Was only tryin' to show you how to love again
Tried and tried to chip away your heart of stone
Was only tryin' to show you how to love again
Love again.......

Signing out, world wide web.

-heart of stone

on marriage

2012-01-03T00:27:00.001-06:00

watched definitely, maybe last night. I forgot how much I love April in that movie. I love everything she says.

I think I feel like this...

"You're asking me to give up my freedom, my joie de vivre for an institution that fails as often as it succeeds? And why should I marry you, anyway? I mean, why do you wanna marry me? Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfill an ideal that society embeds in us from an early age to promote a consumer capitalist agenda?"

But if someone said this...

"I wanna marry you because you're the first person I wanna look at when I wake up in the morning, and the only one I wanna kiss goodnight. Because the first time that I saw these hands, I couldn't imagine not being able to hold them. But mainly, when you love someone as much as I love you, getting married is the only thing left to do. So, will you, um, marry me?"

then maybe I would reconsider

but thats what these movies have done to us. theyve made us think that that exists. and maybe it does.

but maybe...maybe you just

"Forget about the real deal. You don't find it. It finds you. You get to a certain age and then you're ready. You know, you're ready for kids, or commitment, or a mortgage. And the person that you're with then...they become the one."

i give myself december

2011-12-19T23:51:00.001-06:00

but i dont deserve it. i dont deserve a month, or even an hour, where i think the world should stop turning and all eyes should be on me. but for some reason thats what i do. i tell myself and everyone around me to give me december. just give me this month. and for what? just cuz my dad decided to croak over n die one hot wednesday in december in cabo i think i should be able to pout all month? about anything and everything that happens? i make everything about me in december. im dramatic. im whiny. im prideful. im annoying. im emotional. and then i blame all that on the fact that its december. i told a couple people i hated december. i told them i want to just skip this month. if i could just fall asleep on november 30 and wake up january 1 everything would be cool. i hate december. makes sense right? no need for december anyway. then some ron made a remark like, "ya nothing in december except Jesus' birthday"

woops. and thats when it hit me. GOD SENT HIS ONLY SON TO DIE FOR YOU, YOU SELFISH PIECE OF ----. GET OFF YOUR LAZY WHINY ASS AND BE APPRECIATIVE FOR SOMETHING.

so here we are. another whiny december day. but im trying to remind myself. i have it so good.

i have it so good, world wide web.

organized chaos

2011-12-16T01:48:00.001-06:00

tonight will be an accumulation of thoughts and quotes. my mind is chaotic and all over the place with feelings of things that probably really dont matter. but occupying my mind all the same...

most girls have a plan to meet a guy and fall in love and have babies but i dont know if i have what it takes for everybodys regular plan. me.

"its not fun always thinking someone is out to steal from you or f*ck you. it makes trusting extremely difficult, not a fun feeling"-b.j.m.

"This is the thing: When you hit 28 or 30, everything begins to divide. You can see very clearly two kinds of people. On one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow, to find … themselves and their dreams, people who know what works and what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live adults. Then there’s the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate, because they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women who are good but not great, because they don’t want to be lonely. … they mean to develop intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like life is one big frat party. But they don’t do those things, so they live in an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than when they graduated. Don’t be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal. Ask yourself some good questions like: “Am I proud of the life I’m living? What have I tried this month? … Do the people I’m spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?” Now is your time. Walk closely with people you love, and with people who believe … life is a grand adventure. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life’s path."-unknown

Reasons

We are all
looking
for the right
reasons
to want to
get out
of bed
each and
every
bitter cold
morning.
-Tyler Knott Gregson-

maybe i never really knew you at all. me.

if love never fails, maybe i never found it. me.

c'est la vie.

SD 2012.

hes just not that into you

2011-12-09T03:27:00.001-06:00

Every few months, as painful as it may be, every girl should watch this movie. It is pure genius. And some of the best lines in any movie I have ever heard.

a. So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions.

b. I miss the days when you had one phone number and one answering machine and that one answering machine has one cassette tape and that one cassette tape either had a message from a guy or it didn't. And now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It's exhausting.

c. People who get married are not to be trusted. You know why? Because if you were legitimately happy, honestly you wouldn't feel the need to make a big show out of it. You wouldn't have to broadcast it. They do it because they're insecure and because they think that getting married is what they're supposed to be doing now. And so they're lying to themselves and they're lying to others.

okay so maybe i dont necessarily agree with this one, but its stiil a good thought provoking quote :)

and last but not least...my personal favorite!

d. Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.

THAT guy

2011-12-04T19:02:00.002-06:00

if you're a girl you probably know or have known THAT guy at one point or another in your life. and if youre a guy you've probably known THAT girl...

hes THAT guy. you know. THAT guy you never thought you'd have. the guy you drool over, but never actually think you'll talk to. the guy thats so good looking that he makes you feel insufficient and insecure just being around him. and then he talks to you. and you think theres no way this guy could actually like you. and then he does. and then hes wonderful. when youre with him or talk about him or even think about him your knees buckle, your palms sweat, you have butterflies in your stomach and you feel like your 16 years old. hes THAT guy that makes you wanna feel that way about someone forever. and then he makes you feel like a million bucks because hes THAT guy that you never thought you could have and then you have him. or so you think. and then you blink and realize you never had him at all. and youre back to that insufficient lowly girl you were before he ever gave you the time of day.

hes THAT guy you wish you could hate. you see him after youre back to lowly insufficient girl and after all the things you had planned out in your mind of what you would do (kick him) or say (bleep you) all you can do is smile and laugh and sit and listen and wonder how the hell youre still wondering.

hes THAT guy that makes you play back in your mind every little detail of what you did or could have done or said differently. maybe if i had done this or brushed him off or played games or this that and the other then maybe, just maybe, things would be different.

and for once i could be the girl that gets THAT guy and keeps him.

hes THAT guy that your friends tell you not to believe. hes THAT guy that you cant trust because youre convinced hes so good looking that he has girls throwing themselves at him. hes THAT guy that you want to believe. you want so badly to believe every word he says even when it makes no sense at all. because for just once you want to believe that someone is telling you the truth. and that you shouldnt have to read into every word the guy you like says.

hes THAT guy thats married to some gorgeous super down to earth, low key, wonderful girl and you wonder how she did it.

hes THAT guy that pushes you to be better. that makes you strive to do more, and be more and show that you deserve THAT guy. and he deserves you.

or maybe, world wide web, maybe hes just an asshole

couples shower?

2011-12-02T04:17:00.029-06:00

I read this at the beginning of my friend's blog the other day and its so perfect. its a wonderful opening note to a blog post. (or all of them)

"Oh man, I know I'm going to offend some people with this, though that's not my heart, intention, or motivation for writing out my thoughts here tonight...Just sharing some thoughts..."

the point is whether or not i offend you, it was never my intention. this is my blog, biatch :) if you dont like it, kick rocks! okay so, Adrienne said it a little nicer... the good news is no one blogs to stay in good standing with people. or maybe they do? but personally i think you just put all your shizzz out there and say "sorry, im not sorry" to anyone you may offend :) (that was for all you wedding crasher fans)

alright. lets get to the meat of it. shall we?

lets dissect the shower a bit, shall we?

maybe if i say shall we some more i will get my point across :)

okay... the shower...

a time for you. naked.

maybe you breathe. maybe you think. maybe you cry. maybe you pray. maybe you have a rubber ducky. maybe you listen to music. maybe you sing at the top of your lungs. maybe you sit in the shower. maybe you stand. maybe you hop. maybe you twirl. maybe you pick your nose.

(((hopefully you bathe)))

FOR ME it is a time to be alone. a time to pray and think and listen to music that my roommate doesnt want to hear. a time to sing along with no worries in the world. a time when i feel kind of somewhat comfortable being naked. kind of. (oh and yes, i bathe)

i hate nakedness. hate it. h-a-t-e i-t.

if i get in the shower after a long day at work i am most definitely going to have black mascara all over my face throughout the entire shower. and im naked.

if i get in the shower in the morning i will probably sleep standing up for about 10-15 minutes before i even realize where i am. and im naked.

the point is, it is not attractive.

no matter the circumstance

being in the shower is not a sexy thing. i have boogers coming out of my nose, i'm naked, i am constantly rubbing my eyes (just making the raccoon look even worse), im naked, i leave my conditioner in my hair while i wash my bod, im naked, i use a clarisonic face washer thats loud and beeps at me, im naked, i take forever to shave my legs, im naked, and if the water isnt completely scalding hot and covering my entire body i am freezing. did i mention im naked? and i hate nakedness????

so no.

no, thank you.

no couples shower for me.

Ooo Bahaya

2011-12-02T03:55:00.002-06:00

I don't know how I've gone all this time without telling you about my trip but its time....

I learned all sorts of fun new words and phrases and compared how they say certain things like or unlike us. They found such humor in "y'all" :)

Aussie lingo:

When they say...it means...

Pissed- drunk
Spewin'- mad
Heaps- a lot
Yew- yew (picture "surfs up" hand motion when saying this)
Have a shower- take a shower
Touch wood- knock on wood
Arvo -afternoon

Indonesian lingo:

Oooo Bahaya (bu-hi-yuh)- ooo danger
Nasi goreng- fried rice
Nasi goreng ayam- chicken fried rice
Selamat pagi- good morning (I said good morning all day and night because I couldnt remember the others)
Hati Hati- danger!
Tidak- no
Apa kabar? - How are you?

You'll be amazed at how often one would say "oooo bahaya". or "hati hati" Hahah made for some good jokes in indo and Australia.

The Indonesians are the coolest people ever. So friendly and happy and smiley but chill. And everything is dirt cheap. I ate "nasi goreng" for $2. A huge plate of it and a fried egg. They have this spicy sauce that is sooo bomb on everything. I could get a giant bottled water for 70 cents. Our home stays in bali and on the island were $20/night divided by two people and the hut we stayed at on the beach at the surfers spot on Lombok island was $8/night but divided by two people!!!

The backpackers that were traveling through indo were awesome too. Everyone was super friendly and open to going anywhere with anyone and being spontaneous. Everyone was on the "no plan" plan. It was so fun. I met three Aussies on the beach in gili trawangan who just said "oh we leave tomorrow for Lombok (another nearby island) wanna come?" people were so friendly. The poor guys strapped my big ol' pack on the back of one of the motor bikes and off we went. Went with my gut on the whole trip and met some great people that I believe I will be friends with for a long time.

Australia was a totally different feel than traveling in Indonesia. My mom met up with me so I got a break between the $4 hut and the hostel in manly. I got to stay in a few 4 and 5 star hotels where I could do laundry and had wifi and a shower and a western toilet and clean towels. It was a refreshing change and so nice to see my mom after being sick with Bali belly and home sick! we met in cairns and stayed at Harbor Lights. I was like a little kid that had never stayed in a hotel when we got there. Ive never been so excited to do laundry! We had an amazing time scuba diving and eating amazing food and traveling all over. We laughed sooo much.

Overall this trip definitely changed me. It was an eye opening experience and just the tip of the iceberg I hope!!! It was just a small taste of what I want to be doing, traveling the world-me and my camera.

just me and my camera, world wide web!

Better late than never??

2011-08-23T22:20:00.002-05:00

8/9/2011

Current location: Desert's point on Lombok off of Bali. Been here since Saturday arvo (that's afternoon in Australian slang). Not sure when we are leaving. Either tonight or in the morning. My flight from Denpasar to Cairns, Australia is tomorrow night. I have had Bali belly since Friday and it's Tuesday. Rough. not sure when I will be able to post this. Maybe not until I get to Australia. I was using wifi on Saturday morning before we left the Gili Trawangan and the whole island lost power. Ridiculous. Pretty bad timing since I was leaving to come to such a remote place. We are sleeping on pads in these huts and there is a well to get water out of for our shower (bucket to dump on my head) and squatters. Pretty primitive over here. it's cool but not very fun for Bali belly. Ha. Bali belly definitely was makin me pretty homesick. I get to see my mom really soon. I'll be meeting her in cairns. I hope she's not worried since it's been a while since I've been able to text or email her.

Okay my trip thus far: So I got into Ubud, Bali on Saturday the 30th of July and fell asleep almost immediately after traveling for about 36 hours to get there. Courtney got in around 10pm and I barely woke up enough to open the door for her. Sunday we went to monkey forest and shopped around Ubud. Such a cute town and lots of people watching and nice little cheap restaurants so we took it easy. The monkeys were hilarious. They are lil jerks. Ha stealing peoples water bottles or bananas or anything they could get their hands on. And grabbing ankles and growling. Ha. Then Monday we went on a volcano tour at 9am. It was neat no one else signed up for it the day Courtney and I did so we had a driver for the day and he took us all over!! We went to an Elephant Cave Temple, a holy water temple, to ride elephants, to see this crazy big rice terrace or rice patties, and we ate lunch over looking Mount Batur Volcano. It was a packed day and we saw so much! So after that we went back to the room for a bit then went to have dinner with a friend I went to high school with that just happened to be in ubud so that was wild! Super fun. Then we headed back and had to get some serious rest for our big 2am trek to the top of Mount Batur. wowzas. It was just that. A trek! They took us to have banana pancakes (more like a crepe here) and some hot tea then to the bottom of mount Batur. Putu was our precious Indonesian tour guide. It took about 2.5 hours to get up then we sat and watched the sunrise and took pictures. Courtney met two girls that were also teaching English in South Korea so that was pretty crazy. Then we walked a little farther to see the crater. They were these holes in the crater that were blowing hot air from the volcano! Whoa! Warmed up my freezing cold hands for about 2 seconds. Then back down the volcano. It was a little difficult with lots of slippery spots and loose rocks rolling all over but at least it wasn't pitch black like on the way up with a few crappy flashlights :) so we made it back to the home stay around 10am and by 11:30 we were heading to ParangBai to get on a ferry to Gili Trawangan. What a day. I'll keep it g rated but gili trawangan is a pretty funny place. There was a meteor shower so that was amazing seeing heaps of shooting stars (one of my favorite aus words:heaps!)

It's now august 24 and I leave in 10 days! Ahh I'm in manly just outside of Sydney. wifi sucks and it's hard to take the time to blog when inhave so little time left in the sunburned country. A quick run through of what I miss: my bed, my nephews, my sister, warmth, (it's winter here, which is nothing like our winter, but still!), I miss people saying y'all, I miss my dogs!!!!, did I mention my bed?, I miss jif peanut butter, my roomie, my big Mac, I miss editing, I miss you. I miss dvr.

But instead of thinking of everything I miss I should enjoy my time here cuz I'll miss it in 10 days. I head to Byron bay tomorrow night at 10pm for a 12 hr bus ride. Should be a good time. Will have to give a full run through of the trip soon!

Making the sign of the Cross all the way to Bali

2011-07-30T18:35:00.000-05:00

Dear God, I pray that we all make it to our destinations safely. Put a hedge of protection over all passengers, pilots, flight attendants, etc. Let your will be done in our lives. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit. Amen.

No I'm not catholic, or any other denomination for that matter, but being on all these airplanes has me making the sign of the cross like my dad did.

Guess you're curious where I am going. I'm curious too :) Sabbatical Sally returns, but this time, on steroids. Not literally, of course.

First stop (for longer than 4 hours): Bali, Indonesia and surrounding areas.
Duration: 10 days

Next stop: starting in Cairns, Australia and traveling down the east coast.
Duration: not sure? (Approx. 4.5 weeks)

When I say not sure I mean, I have a idea of when I think I'd like to come back, but I am actually not sure because I don't know where I will be when I am ready to come back or when that will be. So for now I have no ticket home. I have to leave on Sept 6 to make it back for my mom's shoulder surgery so that's the "plan" but who knows. I might head home early. Maybe I'll be missing my god son and nephews and family so badly that I want to leave behind the kangaroos and beaches and surfing and camping and beautiful scenery and hippy lifestyle :) love will make you do crazy things.

What I left behind in Dallas: a house, bills, a roomie, sam flan, two dogs, my crazy amazing momma, an awesome sister, an insane bro in law, and three fantastic nephews. One that was crying "ditdy, please take me on da airplane" as I was saying goodbye. So as of July 28th around 5pm pre boarding my first flight I was already homesick.

Flight from DFW to LAX (3 hours): In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit. I flew Virgin America. Holy cow. It's lit by black lights with hot pink lights up above, the crew is cool, the safety instructions are funny talking about the .0001% of people on the plane that don't know how to fasten a seat belt, and if you do Main Cabin Select its not quite first class but it's an upgrade worth making.you either pay $25 to check a bag or $69 for bag check, Extra leg room (like I'm so desperate for extra leg room), personal tvs with free on demand movies, tv, radio, UNLIMITED FREE FOOD, DRINK, SNACKS!!!! Free absolute vodka, free jelly bellys, free fruit/cheese platter, free sandwich, free pringles, free snickers, free cokes, free premium alcohol. Let's just say it was an investment I do not regret and I came out ahead. It got to the point where I wasnt even hungry or thirsty, I was just waiting for them to say okay, you hit your max, you have to pay $100 for that mini water. But it never happened. The people on either side of me must have known I was a Virgin America virgin. They had their wits about them while I was a 5 yr old in a candy store. They each had one mini bottled water and a bag of chips and a meal. HA and they think I'm the amateur. I wanted to scream "hey guys its free!!!!!!" Nothing in life is free. Especially on planes. You have to pay to use the pot now so don't even bother reminiscing the days when you got a full can of sprite and unlimited peanuts or pretzels. As if a $150 ticket to lax couldn't cover a can of coke and 10 measly pretzels. Ill tell my kids about the good old days just like my dad told me stories of paying 25 cents for a movie ticket. Okay jet lag is setting in and I'm off topic... Moving on...In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit.

What I left behind in LA: a yoga going, "chi" having, salmon making, hilariously broke, wishes he was eligible for unemployment, sweet talkin, obsessive compulsive while still managing to have a hippy personality, swagger old spice wearing brother that I love. Maybe too much. It was pure stupidity to arrive at LAX from DFW (pretty tipsy from said free alcohol) at 7:45pm, claim my bag, recheck my bag, and hop in a cab to head to Power Yoga in Santa Monica 20 minutes away to attend a 90 minute class from 8:30-10pm, shoot the breeze with some yogis, grab a Gatorade, small talk with my bro and his buddy, shower, wait for a cab, get in a cab that had no idea where the international terminal was, and hall ass across the airport to gate 144 by 10:50pm ( Just sounds far, doesn't it? Ya, It was.) Mind you, I'm luggin 50+ lbs worth of camera equipment, laptop, external hard drive, etc in two carry on bags. I made it by 11:28pm for my 11:50pm flight to Hong Kong. I was the last person to go through the gate and they escorted me to a bus that would take us to our plane with about 632 Hong Kong-anites looking pissed at me for holdin them up. Because we were all in such a hurry to get on our plane we would be on for 14 hours, apparently. And after all that pure chaos, it was so worth it. Told you I might love him too much.
Oh and a best friend I didn't get to see. Love ya Evvy.

Flight from LAX to Hong Kong(13 hrs and 40 minutes): In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit. Cathay pacific. window seat. Score! Except the people in the row were brutal. They didnt want to let me up for anything! Good thing I only peed once in 14 hours. I learned that the nice lesbian hong kong-anite sitting next to me is into nurses so that was interesting. Besides that I ate fish for dinner with the cutest silverware I've ever seen on a plane (which I saved them the trouble of throwing away) slept a bit, watched "Hall Pass", slept, attempted to watch "Despicable Me", slept, slept, ate scrambled eggs, slept, and finally watched "Despicable Me". I can see why first class would be nice for only a few thousand dollars extra. ha. I was curled up in a ball like a normally due but the seat was jabbing me on the right and the heavier set lesbian was flowing into my area on my left. I was sore from yoga and exhausted but almost unable to sleep (for the first time in history, folks). Needless to say I was happy to make the sign of the cross when we landed and get the heck off that plane. Oh and a special shout out to my sister and her hubby for letting me borrow these phenomenal noise canceling headphones. Life savers. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit.

What I left behind in Hong Kong: an immigration form I never needed to fill out. Sorry I don't read Chinese and every other human on the plane did so they didn't feel the need to tell me where to go. I followed my plane mates to immigration then waited for my bag that would never arrive bc it's going straight from lax to Bali to then go up stairs, through security, and back through immigration. At least it gave me something to do at 4:45am in hong kong when I had over 5 hours til take off to Bali. Wifi didnt work. Nothing was open. And my gate wasn't displayed yet but if you're still reading this you should appreciate all that other wise I would have been distracted doing something besides blogging. Around 7:30am I grabbed McDonalds breakfast which makes me wanna throw up just talking about, then finally saw my gate number 19 displayed and headed there, curled up across a couple seats with my bags and the blanket I cleptoed from the previous flight and crashed til it was time to board the seemingly short 4 hour flight to Denpasar.

Flight from Hong Kong to Bali (4 hours): In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit. Cathay pacific. Window seat. I was fully prepared to get on this plane, put on my noise cancelers and zone out but instead I waited to see who would sit next to me...ha. So glad I did. Meet Matt and Freja (pronounced fray-uh) Robinson from San Francisco. Together for 12 years, married for 4 of those years. Perfect hippy plane drunkards. I say plane drunkards because I don't actually think they are drunkards, just when they are 20 hour voyages, plus matt is afraid of flying. My entertainment for the following four hours would consist of stories of matt and freja's adventures all over the world and watching matt open the overhead compartment only to watch, not one, but two bags fall from the overhead compartment directly onto the woman's head in front of us and proceed to spill her drink. Oh and did I mention he was trying to get his 6 mini Jack Daniels bottles from his bag that he and Freja bought at the duty free shop in Hong Kong? Ha. Well the woman in front of us was furious and ended up writing out a report to the airline but it supplied the three of us in row 58 with a solid couple hours of laughter. And for that I thank both Matt and the woman in front of us for being the butt of our joke. Ahh it hurts. Oooo gaaa. My abs hurt from yoga. Whooo saaaa. So funny. Okay. 56 minutes til we land. Then an hour drive to Ubud to my hostel. I think the pool sounds amazing. Hmm do they have a pool? I looked at so many freaking hostels I can't even remember. I'm gonna rest for the remainder of the flight. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit.

I ended up catching a ride with the San Franciscans to Ubud. Our places are about 3 minutes from each other. Courtney got in last night around 10pm. We will see where the wind blows us today :)

Have a good day world wide web

on death

2011-06-06T01:06:00.010-05:00

someday i will blog on life, breath, happiness, yellow sunshines, and the gift of the present day. but not today. today is on death. because frankly its all i see.

now to say it is ALL I SEE is dramatic. yes im admitting to being dramatic. admitting you have a problem is the first step, right?

less than a week ago i found out about a great friend taking his own life. and an even greater friend losing his sweet sweet brother. (RIP Kyle)

then today i woke up to 6 missed calls and several texts from friends in tulsa. my heart sank. i knew something was wrong. and it was. IT IS. it is so wrong.

now lets time travel for a minute...

its mid august 1995. im introduced to who i would later know as the most amazing teacher God could have ever blessed me with, Miss Nally. Oh the light of my 5 year old life. she was a dream come true. the sweetest, most caring woman (besides my mother, of course) to have ever walked the planet. she lit up a room. so then began my obsession with rainbows. it must have been the joy miss nally gave me that made me only want to draw rainbows for the entire 1995-1996 school year. whatever it was, it made me happy. know what (who) else made me happy that year and continued to do so for many years to come?

cliff maxwell maxamillion cameron...errr thats what i called him :)

ooo clifff, i would say. to which he would respond with an 'oooo babs' (his nickname for me from my first name-barbara)

when he walked onto the playground my baby 5 year old heart went soaring to a place i had never felt it go before. oh the joy of your first love. he was tall and skinny. (as tall as you can be in kindergarten) i had to look up at him from where i stood. he was the cutest 5 year old i knew. and so began our innocent love affair and sweet sweet friendship from the early age of 5.

now back to present day... as much as id rather stay in 1995.

as i sat on my sisters couch crying and pondering life i watched my 4 yr old nephew, eli, playing in 2 boxes hes used to create a house. better than all the toys in their home, by far! such a simple life. wake up, eat, play, nap, play some more, and love everyone around you. i was a year older than eli and not nearly as smart when i spotted max and picked him to be my boyfriend.

this is eli and sophie a year ago. i was sophie. max was my eli. and i pray for eli and sophies sake that they never lose the other ones friendship. they will forever have the memories they are creating now.

life is funny. when people pass away its funny that all of the sudden they become the sweetest most amazing human you ever knew. but with max, it didnt happen when i found out that he had gone to heaven. the realization that max was truly one of the most high spirited, happy, sweet, hilarious, genuine guys ive ever met...well that realization was one that came to me every time he walked into a room, every time his name popped up on my newsfeed, anytime i saw him between classes (in elementary school, middle school, and high school), or over holiday breaks in tulsa.

just any. time.

life is the most delicate thing we have. sweet sweet max was driving with some buddies at the lake in arkansas. it just happens so fast. and its not the death i fear for myself. its the loss of life in the people near to me. its detrimental. how many people have been so truly touched by max's life? how many people are in bed crying like i am tonight for the life lost? when was the last time he talked to his mommy? his sister? his brothers? its a crazy love we hold for family. i cant even begin to fathom losing a sibling or worse, a child. so much so that today, in this moment, i dont want children. merely for the fact and the fear that the risk of losing them is greater than my desire to have them.

"im not crying cause i feel so sorry for you, [max]. im crying for me."-toby kieth

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHZCAcSh7ls

the first call i made after i heard the news was to you. i called you, max. i wanted to hear your voice. such a sweet distinct voice. and oh so goofy at times :) when you lost your dad our senior year i didnt know how to help you. i couldnt imagine that pain. i had my dad and didnt know the words to give you to make the pain go away. all i could do was hug you. you gave the best hugs. even when i was trying to comfort you, little did you know, you were comforting me. and when i lost my dad you were there to comfort.

that message was sent from max to me two days after my dad passed away. he said the words so eloquently. he said the words im looking for now when talking to his family. i shared this message with them and they have asked if they could read it at the service tonight...his celebration of life. im so glad that this message from my sweet friend that once gave me so much comfort can come full circle and give his own family comfort. max cameron. you are a good man. we loved you saturday. you love you now and we will love you tomorrow and will never stop loving you.

weve been through a lot. i miss you cliff. and ill continue to miss you until i get to see you again.

love you cameron family.

all the love in the world,
babs

ode to kyle

2011-06-01T00:37:00.014-05:00

this is an excerpt from my blog on January 30, 2011...

convo two: another friend i met in mexico but hes a precious canadian kid. ive actually stayed in touch with his bro more than him, but we had an awesome chat last night. he said some things i was so glad to hear. we talked about relationships and about pain and the way people handle stressful situations. we talked about how catastrophic some situations can be to some people. he said

**"it is a scary thing, that a penny can derail thousands of tons of locomotive."**

and he said "Managing change is the least possessed characteristic." take that in, chew on it...he was also helping me realize that you cant compare peoples pain. the worst day of my life might seem minuscule to the next and monumental to someone else. i was judging someone for the way they handled situations and thinking "was that really the worst day of your life?" cuz i know that dec 13, 2006 was probably the worst day of my life. the day my dad had a massive heart attack and died a month after having a full physical. i also know some other people who have lost children or best friends or spouses in horrific ways so it became easy for me to scoff when people use the phrase "worst day of my life," but this talk last night really helped me see that one person's pain cannot be compared to another.

what a great night of amazing talks with two friends. i thank God for putting these guys in my life and opening my eyes to some things that i did not think of until they brought it to my attention. and paul and kyle, if you are reading this, thank you. for today, you have inspired me.

What is so crazy about my conversation with Kyle that cold night in Colorado via facebook is I feel I was leaning on him!!! AND HE LET ME, when he was hurting so badly. But that was his point. He honestly did not feel that his pain of losing Mark in the house fire that he made it out of was greater than my heartache. His pain was so great that he is no longer here on earth with us. He could not bare to live with the pain that he felt. We hadn't talked in years and he opened up to me more than some of my closest friends ever will. He taught me such great and valuable lessons about life and how to never compare ones pain to another. He told me about sitting in counseling multiple times a week with people who he had to consciously remind himself not to think "thats way worse than what I am going through." If I had a penny for every time I have shared this wisdom that Kyle so graciously gave to me I would be a rich woman.

I will never forget the conversation we had in January. You changed my perspective on life and gave me a better understanding of others pain. O Kyle, if only I could have helped you heal the way you helped me. So with tear filled eyes I will tell you...I am eternally grateful for the wisdom you have shared with me. Your warmth, laughter, smile, and spirit will never be forgotten. And I know Jordan (canada boy) and I will remain friends for many years to come (just like you wanted!!!) I love you Big Red.
love, your Oklahoma girl

http://www.facebook.com/notes/nathan-fairbairn/eulogy-for-kyle-alexander-schroter/10150236438366054girl

hoping this new low will bring a new high.

2011-05-14T04:33:00.002-05:00

may 9. 2011.

ive gone mute. ive lost my voice.

one of webster dictionaries ways of defining denial is: refusal to admit the truth or reality

reality. what is reality?

re·al·i·ty

noun \rē-ˈa-lə-tē\

: the quality or state of being real

a (1) : a real event, entity, or state of affairs <his dream became a reality> (2) : the totality of real things and events <trying to escape from reality>

oh my reality. such speedbumps in life can seem so detrimental at times.

detrimental

: obviously harmful : damaging <the detrimental effects of pollution>

its funny. well its not funny tonight. but like my good friend always says. what will this night be in the grand scheme of things?

may 13. 2011.

well, here we are almost a week later. hmm. how do i feel now?

maybe that night and this night are bigger speedbumps that i thought.

i am...

hurt. sad. blind sided. distraught. devastated. out of breath. crying hysterically.

wish i was numb.

the only sound i hear are the motors in my computers and my own sniffles and cries. what a depressing place to be. i am in a good place.... i have been. i am on the right track. my business is growing. and i am traveling the way i want. i am happy. i swear, i am. just gotta get past this somewhat major speedbump.

what do you do when someone you love so dearly all the sudden tells you he doesnt believe that Jesus is the son of God. and not only that but he is an anti theist? what the hell does that even mean?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antitheism

in case you needed some info like i did.

here i am trying to prove myself and earn him back and show him how much i love him and just when im seeing a light at the end of the tunnel i get hit with a ton of bricks. tell me about it, sandra. straight blind sided.

im crushed. completely and utterly devastated. i am madly in love with someone who i now see no future with. i can barely type the words. my tears are fogging my vision. all the while receiving texts about how terrible "my God" is. woooo saaaa.

to each his own. and it looks like, for now, i am on my own. but i will use this as a way to bring me closer to God and not let it bring me down. the more he jabs, the more i pray and read and turn to the higher power that i do, very much, believe in.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secular_humanism

you say i am naive and stubborn. well id rather be naive and stubborn and BELIEVE in something bigger than the universe. something bigger than human beings. to think we are all there is? what a miserable thought. i am ONLY human.

http://www.angelfire.com/ny/prtaz/Poetry/I_Am_Only_Human.htm

i was waiting for an april fools. may fools? but no. now i see. i get it. leave me alone. i feel like youre attacking me. you said you love and respect me for my beliefs and that you could accept them forever. but after all these things youve covered how could you. how could you love and respect someone that believes things that you think are so idiotic? and you make it sound so simple. duh. of course there is no God? the story of Jesus is a fairy tale? saying that "God is a man-made immoral degradation"? that "He is a beast made by man for money and power"? and then being so rude and scoffing and telling me "its the word of your lord. Respect it" after pointing out the verses about gays and slavery. thats what you see when you look at the Bible. and im sorry that whatever has happened in your life has given you this perspective. but i choose to believe. "if He brings you to it, He will bring you through it" im thankful that the things that i have been through have made me stronger and helped me eventually turn to God and not away from Him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FYDcvY2lfI

i kept thinking i had heard all i needed to hear to realize how severe the situation actually is but tonight pushed the envelope. i couldnt bring myself to understand that someone would believe just as strongly in something as i do. just happens to be a polar opposite belief. i keep asking myself where do i go from here?

how dare you tell me He has done NOTHING in my life. you said you respected my beliefs. telling me that "my" God has done nothing in my life is not respecting my faith. and telling me it is immoral and oppressive to spread the word of God. and I am not a gift from God? and DONT YOU DARE tell me to do my dad (RIP) a service by the way i live my life...insinuating that i am living it wrong by believing in God and in Heaven and only praying that I will see my daddy again.

im done. im hurt. im heartbroken. im crying. im still in love. but im done.

im not done because the Bible says i should be. im done because i cant see a life with you. a life where this is an emotional topic we will never agree on. where i am this hysterical every time its brought up. a life where i dont feel comfortable asking my husband and best friend to talk about our savior together or to go to church to learn more about him with me bc "going to church isnt open minded" or asking you to pray with me or to say goodnight prayers with our kids. a life where i know why i am celebrating christmas, easter, and every day i am alive and wondering what you think its for.

you want me to see how "UNIMPORTANT it is" and im silly for giving up on us because of it... and its "insignificant in the face of love". obviously the couples that have different beliefs and are making it could agree on one thing and that was how "unimportant it is and insignificant in the face of love" this topic is...but we disagree on those points as well.

you are kind, compassionate, giving, caring, forgiving, loving, strong, talented and so smart. you are a pool of knowledge. a walking encyclopedia. you are the love of my life. we have a song. we picked a ring. we have goals, plans, and dreams for our future. plans to save the world, one starving baby at a time. plans for our honeymoon. plans for our childrens names. we have laughed and loved like i never have before. and now we have lots of memories. i love you. so much.

so through my tears i tell you, i see no options

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OA3MSqufJP4

except the one where i choose God.

naivety

2011-03-31T13:55:00.002-05:00

Okay...i have figured out what it is about being optimistic that is hard for me. i feel like optimism is right up there with naivety. and unfortunately for me i feel i have spent a large majority of my 23 years being naive.

	naïveté
	to be unaware, uneducated. lacking experience with everyday life. Natural or artless simplicity. Pure, unknowing, uninformed; *stupidly innocent*. usually applies to lacking wisdom with lesser age.

knowledge is power? or ignorance is bliss?

i will say i can remember playing a game with friends in september 2009 and i know i answered that question with ignorance is bliss.

what an idiot.

i mean i still agree. ignorance is much more blissful. but can one live with their head in the clouds? always believing other people? and continuing to get knocked down? its a fine line between having your guard up so much that you never let anyone in and being too naive and maybe -optimistic- to think they could pleasantly surprise you. you cant be so naive to ignore the things that are right in front of your face(book) right?

hmmm...

My friend Brttany said to me the other day "Its a crazy rollercoaster of a life we live in!"

it sure is, world wide web.

i want you to want me. cheap trick.

2011-03-31T05:37:00.000-05:00

OPTIMISM is sanity for me right now.

great line from "How Do You Know?"

i couldnt think of a better line that would fit my night. or my situation. because anything besides optimism right now will drive me to complete insanity.

im not the optimistic type. in my life i have more been heavily persuaded that if i think negative i cant be let down.

if bad happens, i expected it. if good happens, im pleasantly surprised.

((my dad would be so angry with me if he heard me say that. he was the biggest believer in thinking positive thoughts. if you think you will win, you will. if you think you will get sick, you will. he was always telling us "the mind controls the body" so why i dont i live by that?? i dont know. i guess i just know that no one likes to be let down. no one likes disappointment. and so i have lived with this idea that i could get by with the 'id rather be pleasantly surprised than let down' thought.))

sounds depressing when i say it out loud, but i happen to be one of the most cheerful people i know :)

and normally, this think negatively tactic would work fairly well for me, but there comes a time when you can physically drive yourself mad thinking about something over and over and talking and wondering. sometimes you can think so negatively that you can damage yourself. you can become depressed over thinking something is worse than it may actually be.

so tonight.... optimism. and silence. and prayer. and calm is what i choose.

here's to optimism, world wide web.

2011: the year of the rabbit (replace with TRAVEL)

2011-03-30T03:52:00.004-05:00

2011 is rockin my socks off. The year of travel for sabbatical sally. It started with the sabbatical around the midwest and west coast. Now I am planning trips later this year to Africa, Bali, Australia, and El Salvador. Heck yes.

I don't wanna tell my kids "Travel while you're young or before you start a family or before you have a career or before it's too late... I wish I had!"

I'm not gonna be that lady that says she wishes she had. I am doin it! I'm saving to travel. I don't know if I'll be here tomorrow so why not go today.

I wanna be a hippie. A jet setter. A nomad. A gypsy. A free spirit. A roaming soul. a vagabond. a gallivanter. a globe-trotter. an adventurer. you get the point :)

I don't wanna let anyone tell me I can't

i want *perpetual travel*

((while i still can...before i start a family, before i have a career, before its 'too late'))

if you ask why ill say why the heck not, world wide web?

leave the pieces. the wreckers.

2011-03-29T01:03:00.005-05:00

In the end, those who are successful are those who adjust and adapt to the decisions they have made and make the best of them.

humans sin. we all sin. even people who love and follow Jesus sin. the beauty is God sent his son to die on the cross so that we may be forgiven for our terrible sins. we all have to live with our sins and the repercussions that they may have on our life. but God forgives us. he wipes our slate clean every day so that we can continue to live for him and to try to sin less and to learn from our sins. it is a difficult thing to learn to forgive. forgiving others and forgiving ourselves. but god wants us to leave the punishment up to him. it is not up to us to decide. God is a kind gentle God and he wants us to be happy every day and he forgives me so I don't have to walk around with the burden of carrying my every sin on my shoulders. now does this mean we shouldn't be remorseful? or think we can continue to sin over and over because God will forgive us? no but it does mean i should be able to move on from day to day without having to think i don't deserve something that someone else does because of the sins of my past.

someone asked me if i am asked what i believe do i know what to say? do i have any doubts? and my answer is yes i know exactly what i believe. it is not wavering or changing in any way. but i continue to study the word and who God is daily so that i can be better at answering those tough questions. and realizing that there arent answers to all of those tough questions but like my post from a few days ago, just learning to love God for who he is and not what he does. we wont always agree with his decisions but we arent seeing the bigger picture like he is. he knows what hes doing so we just have to put our trust in him and no one else.

thanks for reading, world wide web.

"no one makes you sad"-eli masso

2011-03-27T23:35:00.000-05:00

Everytime I turn the conversation to something deeper
than the weather I can feel you all but shuttin' down
and when I need an explanation for the silence you just tell me
You don't wanna talk about it now.
What your not sayin' is comin' in loud and clear
We're at a crossroads here.

If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you.
If you don't get drunk, on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this,
Than I guess we're done.
Let's not drag this on...reba

luke bryan...

It's driving me crazy
This bein in the dark
Goodbye ain't never easy
So break it to me hard
If you're over my love

Lay it on my heart
Don't try to save me
Is someone else calling you baby?

two is better than one. boys like girls.

2011-03-24T03:38:00.003-05:00

Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragements, and impossibilities. It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak.

Thank you, Paul for this much appreciated and much needed quote. it came at the perfect time.

the trip was amazing. i will briefly tell you the three weeks i spent in colorado were ridiculously amazing. i learned so much and had time to finish my website (work in progress, always). i spent so much time with the Lord and with people i care about and people i aspire to be like and look up to. i learned a lot about myself: who i am and who i want to be. i had time to THINK. to just be. to sit and look at the mountains and be in awe of all God has created. i had time to realize what i want. and also what i dont want for my life. it took a sabbatical to realize i wasnt on the path i wanted to be on. thinking about all the times i have let myself be led astray by people or things or my reactions to actions. its time to decide the right path for me. im so excited to be back in dallas and getting back on track with my life. i am in control of my life so i need to act like it. i need to show that i care which direction i go and put effort in doing so. glad to be coming back to a new job, fresh slate, my pub night bible study crew, my supportive family, and whatever else lies ahead. i know God has amazing things planned for my life and i am excited. its the first time in a long time i have felt just excited. im just happy. im happy in traffic. im happy grocery shopping. im happy working. im happy editing pictures. im happy. ive always been a happy person, but that JOY that only comes from God is what i feel more than i have felt it in a long time. and realizing that God didn't change, i did.

(((excerpt from Plan B, by Pete Wilson:

We must decide if we are going to put our faith in what God does or in who God is. In this life, many of your questions will simply not have answers. If you place your faith in what God does, you'd better prepare yourself for frustration and disappointment because you're never going to figure out God's ways this side of heaven. That's because God is God! As he told the prophet Isaiah.

'Just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts' Isaiah 55:9

Why are you going through what you're going through? I dont know. Is what you're doing God's will for your life? I dont know. Will it be over soon? I dont know.

But through it all, God himself will never change. This is why our faith must rest on his identity and not necessarily his activity.

And who is he? He is the God who is faithful. He keeps promises. The God who is with us every moment and is in the process of working all things for good...Even when the bottom seems to be falling out. Even in the midst of Plan B, you really only have one task, one calling. And that is to do what you would do if you were confident God was with you.)))

K its me talking again...

God is a good God. and its great to see what he is doing in my life and the lives around me. and sometimes it has to get worse before it can get better. and sometimes we have doubts so we can believe again.*

after the three weeks in colorad0 (castle rock, denver, copper mountain, fort collins, vail, breckenridge, silverthorne) i headed to the 4 corners, moab to see arches national park, the grand canyon, las vegas, san diego, los angeles, back to san diego, then made the 23 hour drive home split between two days. the trip was amazing. i had so many plans to see people and do all sorts of things and i did a lot but God also opened and closed doors along the way. i saw who i was supposed to see and learned a lot and had a great time with people i love.

vail was amazing. i went to spend some time with some people i had only met a few times at the restaurant i was working at and we had a wonderful time. i completely fell in love with this family. i know God put them in my life for a reason. they are incredible people and i am so excited to have gotten to know them and now have the opportunity to continue our friendship back in dallas. i love you frebergs! ((my adopted family))

like how i said i will BRIEFLY tell you about my trip. ha.

ive barely touched on colorado. wait til i tell you about san diego.

im just torn on where to move next :) ha. maybe im just a restless soul.

i will say san diego sunshine is more appealing than that colorado cold. maybe i wont settle for one place. perpetual travel

ending note: what spoke to me most from March 23 One Year Bible reading:

Psalms 66: 1-20

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%2066:1-20&version=NIV

¹ Shout for joy to God, all the earth!
² Sing the glory of his name;
   make his praise glorious.
³ Say to God, “How awesome are your deeds!
   So great is your power
   that your enemies cringe before you.
⁴ All the earth bows down to you;
   they sing praise to you,
   they sing the praises of your name.”^[a]
⁵ Come and see what God has done,
   his awesome deeds for mankind!
⁶ He turned the sea into dry land,
   they passed through the waters on foot—
   come, let us rejoice in him.
⁷ He rules forever by his power,
   his eyes watch the nations—
   let not the rebellious rise up against him.
⁸ Praise our God, all peoples,
   let the sound of his praise be heard;
⁹ he has preserved our lives
   and kept our feet from slipping.
¹⁰ For you, God, tested us;
   you refined us like silver.
¹¹ You brought us into prison
   and laid burdens on our backs.
¹² You let people ride over our heads;
   we went through fire and water,
   but you brought us to a place of abundance.
¹³ I will come to your temple with burnt offerings
   and fulfill my vows to you—
¹⁴ vows my lips promised and my mouth spoke
   when I was in trouble.
¹⁵ I will sacrifice fat animals to you
   and an offering of rams;
   I will offer bulls and goats.
¹⁶ Come and hear, all you who fear God;
   let me tell you what he has done for me.
¹⁷ I cried out to him with my mouth;
   his praise was on my tongue.
¹⁸ If I had cherished sin in my heart,
   the Lord would not have listened;
¹⁹ but God has surely listened
   and has heard my prayer.
²⁰ Praise be to God,
   who has not rejected my prayer
   or withheld his love from me!

if only you knew how loudly that spoke to me today....

take it in world wide web. will check back in soon.

worthless. me.

2011-03-05T01:00:00.000-06:00

uhh hello...this was a blog to keep track of my travels and i didnt even tell you where all i went. sheesh. i thought the traveling was over, but boy was i wrong. back to colorado in 9 hours. will blog on the plane :)

realize. colbie caillat.//give in to me. country strong.

2011-02-24T03:36:00.000-06:00

im at a loss for words. im all talked out. can you believe it? gotta be a first.

i need comfort food, a good cry, and someone to take my phone away from me.

i feel hurt and i think for the most part i am to blame. we go through things in life but it is how we decide to react that affects us. which road will you take after life knocks you down? will you push anyone and everyone away until youre all alone and wondering why?

heres to a fresh slate. heres to taking the right road and realizing what you have to be thankful for. heres to making changes, world wide web.

closer. shawn mcdonald.

2011-02-17T21:57:00.000-06:00

how about a couple more songs since its been so dang long?

im for you. toby mac.

when the stars go blue. tim mcgraw

im sitting in a crowded starbucks in a city of 4 million people and somehow i feel alone. im supposed to be on this journey to see friends and its been a great time. oooo vegas. it was grand. but now heading back to reality in the next few days. where do i go from here? im restless. i have a new job waiting for me in dallas and i am excited for that. but why am i always wanting to know what is NEXT?? why cant i appreciate the here and now? im sitting at starbucks waiting for tonight. and tonight i will be planning my drive back to san diego. and tomorrow i will be planning my drive from san diego to dallas.

CHILL OUT ELISA.

adrienne told me not to look at what MIGHT BE at the end of the tunnel before i even go through the tunnel. its a difficult thing to grasp. and if you have, please guide me. until then. ill be looking at my ical and planning what i cannot control. the future.

so much on my mind. dont know where to start. i thought i could focus in here. but between the tatted up hippie playing words with friends in my direct eyeline (im making better words and i just want to tell her) the girl facebooking next to me, the old guys designing a terrible night club, and the spanish girl screaming on skype with her best friend assuming shes the only one on planet earth that speaks spanish, its harder than i thought.

i miss my brother. random. i know. my thoughts are like a....whats that game?? i realize when i figure it out i could delete this, but that would take away from really telling you whats going on in my.... A PIN BALL MACHINE... head :)

i also realize i have three brothers but im assuming you, diary, know all, thus you should know i mean barrett. i miss all three of my brothers, but i miss the relationship with b. distance wise i miss them equally. but ive lost him. and dont know if ill ever get him back. i feel so whiny. i also feel like i should make this post private cuz who really cares? maybe this is for my own good.

herumph. im over it. ha. sorry this post isnt quite as inspiring or motivating or enlightening or anything else of that nature. ((since i know you think my last posts have been all that and more))

heres to a good night in la with friends, wish me luck world wide web.

collide. howie day.

2011-02-05T16:20:00.000-06:00

i feel like i need to make up for the lack of pics from last nights post...

the high was 2* and i left this bottled water in my car....

poor handsome isnt used to being so dirty

i made my mom send me a pic of my pups!! i miss them!!

me and my boyfriend :)

precious Ry and Em!! love them!!

sweet siblings

i love this!!

ade and her baby!!

happy guy!!!

i never told you. colbie caillat.

2011-02-05T04:58:00.002-06:00

i think ill try n pick a song every time i post...we'll see what happens.

i should have never put off blogging for this long. its like ive gone so long and have so much to tell you i dont even know where to start.

first things first... last sunday we went to church and God was talking to me louder than he ever has before. or i was actually finally listening. it was a really emotional day trying to understand what he was telling me. one big thing was: ade felt it on her heart to tell me that i need to forgive myself and not beat myself up and that God is not counting my wrongs. when she said it i had no idea what that was supposed to mean. but after some reflection i stepped back and thought about my life over the last few months and realized just how hard i was being on myself. not a little bit. ive been telling myself for 6 months now that i dont deserve love and that i will never get married. ive been telling everyone i was made to me an aunt and not a mother. and anyone that knows me knows that all i have ever wanted to do in life is have babies and take care of them. life is crazy. ((bill currington: god is great. beer is good. and people are crazy)) so true. we can be so judgmental and hard on others and on ourselves. i hurt someone i care deeply about and my best solution was to push him away so i didnt have to face my mistakes. the best thing i can say now is i am human and i am sorry and i am trying to find out where to go from here. one day at a time.

one day at a time.

gah thats a hard concept. i was telling adrienne my biggest problem is letting go and letting god. i struggle so badly with letting god take over and be in control and ade said something that really moved me

"you mean its hard for you to let the creator of the universe be in control?"

well when you say it like that i feel like an idiot. it should be the easiest thing for us to do to hand everything over to god and let him work on his master plan. but like i said. im human. and im trying. the best i can say is im trying. i know in my heart of hearts that before i can love someone else i first have to love myself. ade is also teaching me that i should love god above all else and that i should put him first and i should want that in my husband. i should want him to love god above anything else and the rest will happen on its own. trust god. sheesh. why is that so hard? i am understanding why i have issues trusting humans, cuz humans suck (no offense, god) but ok, seriously. free will kinda sucks. when people choose to hurt other people. i think my mom is such a warm and nurturing person and she raised me honestly believing that people are good and to always see the best in everyone (and im not mad at you for doing that, momma) but its hard because you let your guard down and you are going to get hurt. but you cant live life in a hole without human interaction....well i guess you could?? but trusting the god of the universe that made us all in his image should not be a difficult task. oh and as far as my trust issues in humans go. i mean, i blame yall.... people loved me and left me early on so i got tough. and here we are. i turned the tables. i dont wanna be weak. i dont wanna be the one thats left alone and crying. so i do the leaving. i push and push until you have no choice but to leave. and once youve left i realize what ive done all over again. i continue to push the ones that dont leave on their own. what a hard thing to admit. ((no excuses, play like a champion))...i cant blame everyone thats hurt me for my hurting the people i care about now. but its an easy way out. im human. im trying.

humiliation is a strange thing.

and lately god has been forcing me to be humiliated. but i need to appreciate the humbling experience he has in mind for me. there is a reason he wanted me to tell adrienne the things we discussed tonight. and i didnt know and wouldnt have known that unless i just listened to him and told her. difficult to admit our stupidity but necessary. admitting i've done things to get attention is up there with the most difficult things ive ever done. crazy right? we are such proud people. and stubborn.

i feel like i am rambling. and even though i never went through the monday-friday of the week this covers a large majority of it.

i will say i was so grateful to have those conversations i told you about last week and this week i was able to put them into play. it all comes together when youve left for a sabbatical and when you stop and listen to god and when youre least expecting it. just understanding that god has an amazing plan for my life is something i should be glad to accept. so im working on it.

one day at a time, world wide web. one day at a time.

p.s. www.elisamariephoto.com is finally up and running :)

john mayer radio. pandora. do it.

2011-01-30T03:14:00.009-06:00

hey there. its amazing how much you can pack in a day when you wake up before 1pm. friday we went skiing at copper mountain. the weather was beautiful and the snow was awesome.

perfect first day back after over 4 years for me. i had a great day, but i am so sore! after hittin the slopes from 10am-1pm i needed a cold beer. yum. it was quite refreshing.then hit the mountain again til 4. great day :)

great memories of the last vacation i went on with my dad when we went skiing for thanksgiving with the whole fam in nov '06 <3

breck. nov. 06.

i met so many people on the mountain. i was just chattin it up with people on the ski lifts. i met zack and sam from leadville, students and ski bums. i met tim, a dad in his 50's, who was so nice! we had a nice lil chat and he wished me well on my travels. i met some guys from iowa, and dont forget andy anderson that lives in beijing! people are so friendly on the mountain. but i was definitely the only one saying y'all! :)

oh remember my amazing boots that are 30 years old.....

guess this is what happens after 30 years...but dont worry, im not giving up on them just yet!!

today ((saturday)) i slept in til 12:30pm. i was soo tired after skiing all day! i went for a run to the church down the street.

quite a view on my jog!

arent girls so silly? like does anyone really want a pic of your feet? but im a photographer and simply feel the need to take pics of everythinggg....

so i thought i would run there and back...blame it on the altitude. i ran there and the way back was uphill...it didnt go over well... ill try again tomorrow!

so on a more important note...last night after my long day of skiing i thought i was going to come in my room at 9pm and crash, but of course i got sucked into facebook and the bachelor and american idol auditions, but boy am i glad i did!

i had two great conversations last night via fbook chat that really got me thinking. i was reconnected with a couple friends that i hadnt seen or talked to in years. (facebook has its perks) both of the convos were so great. they are such smart guys and i know it wasnt a coincidence that i had these awesome talks with them last night. they both opened my eyes to some really important things.

convo one: a friend from mexico that i kinda grew up with and he has totally found the Lord and had all these amazing questions for me that were really making me think. one question he had for me was asking what "he is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose" means to me. heck if i know...was my first thought and i also thought it sounded backwards, like man should be able to give up something he cant keep for something he cant lose. but after thinking a lot about it and doing some research i am beginning to think that it means there are some things that are more important than others. jim elliott was talking about missions being more important than his own life. it definitely is something to think about. i have so much to learn. another great thing my friend said was "what is it about man that you dont like?" and i told him i dont trust them and his response was profound,

**"your job is not to trust them, but to love them unconditionally."**

he is so right. similar to one of my favorite quotes "love all, trust few, do wrong to no one" and my friend said "trust God" so true. its amazing how smart my friends are :) i dont need to trust man, i need to trust God and he will guide me. as long as i am putting my life in God's hands he will not lead me astray. i am so bad about needing to be in control of every aspect of my life. i am really trying to be better about that.

**"it is a scary thing, that a penny can derail thousands of tons of locomotive."**

goodnight friends and goodnight world wide web.

i know i should be sleeping but...

2011-01-28T02:28:00.000-06:00

when ya gotta write, ya gotta write.

WOOOO SAAAAA

its amazing the cycle i go through. but it makes perfect sense. i go from "whoa dumb naive" to "cynical crazy dont believe anyone b word". AND THEY WONDER WHYYY...

ill explain soon. im going skiing tomorrow :) ........at 7am ((no more smiling))

following 2 and preceding 4

2011-01-27T02:10:00.001-06:00

hello again. here i am in castle rock colorado watching the bachelor on hulu. not okay. but at least im being honest, eh? (apparently im canadian, as well)

"somewhere between here and home"

i took this pic on the drive up to colorado and was meaning to post it...

gah its only been two days and i have so much to catch you up on (you being my diary, duhh).

monday night was ::the well:: ade spoke and she rocked it. she is a wonderful speaker. it was awesome being able to hear her to speak to all these women. she has the best stories. my small group was great. the girls were all close to my age and so sweet and knew their stuff. they just seemed so knowledgeable. definitely some really neat girls i could see myself hangin with.

on another note: i rocked these after ski boots from the 80's. they were my moms. yulp. i love em.

tuesday was nice. i got to go exploring for a bit. i went to belmar? maybe? ha.

i also to went to DU campus and checked it out. pretty cute. look at this green house that was right on campus! if you live in this house im sorry for creepin :)

then on my way home i saw the most beautiful sky

castle rock, colorado at 4:30pm...gorgeous...nice work, God. High Five.

tuesday night emily (adrienne's 8 yr old daughter) and i wore out footie pajamas around the house and ade was feelin a little jealous that she wasnt all cozy in her footie pajamas so we proceeded to go to target in our footies to find ade some.

she wasnt sold...im not sure why....it even had pockets!!!

sorry tonights blog is so random but i have so much to share i feel like a mexican jumping bean...

I GOT THESE GLOVES FOR $2.99....yup! <3 love, gloves, and ADD.

adrienne has me hooked on some food i never thought i would like...from baked kale to crunchy green beans :) definitely gettin my greens in!! "what the flip is kale, you may ask???"

http://steamykitchen.com/6926-crispy-kale-recipe.html

youre welcome.

little man is officially eating big boy food, so this is him and his sweet potato face :) love it!

im exhausted from all this jumping around. maybe tomorrow ill have my thoughts more organized. but then again...maybe not :)

peace out world wide web.

numero dos

2011-01-24T15:12:00.001-06:00

started writing this late sunday night...

ah we meet again...sabbatical sally here. red rocks church is the bomb dot com. for realz. sean talked this morning about reading the good book and gave so many instances when you are in a tough situation and he was saying do you really need to ask god if you should lie cheat and steal? i mean the bible already tells us so we know what we should and shouldnt be doing. "read it. write it. do it." oh and another random thought...how awesome is the "our father"? i mean i know we normally just rush through it in church or school but how often do you really stop and listen to the words and the meaning behind every line. do it. heavy stuff.

on another note, ade took me to this place today to check out the mountains. holy moly. gorgeous.(unfortunately i only had my iphone...i am going exploring with pam and tucker ((yes, my dslr and lens have names!)) later this week)

so after that we just came back to the house to relax. and lady the puppy wanted to relax too.

 oh and let me introduce you to my new little buddy.
                                        ryan everett graves
i fell asleep after writing all that, its monday now! i am finishing unpacking so i dont have suitcases in my room for three weeks. tonight is ::well:: at ade's church. i am so excited. its a group for women that she started a few years ago.

i was reading my one year bible this morning and really praying that god would speak to me and of course, he did!

Psalms 20:1-5


1 In times of trouble, may the Lord answer your cry.
      May the name of the God of Jacob keep you safe from all harm.
2 May he send you help from his sanctuary
      and strengthen you from Jerusalem.
3 May he remember all your gifts
      and look favorably on your burnt offerings.Interlude
4 May he grant your heart’s desires
      and make all your plans succeed.
5 May we shout for joy when we hear of your victory
      and raise a victory banner in the name of our God.
   May the Lord answer all your prayers.

and Proverbs 4:20-27

20 My child, pay attention to what I say.
      Listen carefully to my words.
21 Don’t lose sight of them.
      Let them penetrate deep into your heart,
22 for they bring life to those who find them,
      and healing to their whole body.
23 Guard your heart above all else,
      for it determines the course of your life.
24 Avoid all perverse talk;
      stay away from corrupt speech.
25 Look straight ahead,
      and fix your eyes on what lies before you.
26 Mark out a straight path for your feet;
      stay on the safe path.
27 Don’t get sidetracked;
      keep your feet from following evil.

good stuff. it really spoke to me in what i am trying to do with this little adventure i am on. i am trying to take this time to work on my website for my photography and get my business up and running and really get back on track with my life. ive been a little lost and i am so excited about finding myself again.

not a bad place to do it...

adios world wide web

theres a first for everything

2011-01-23T01:26:00.003-06:00

i am not writing this in hopes that anyone will read it, but more for the documentation of my trip. i mean who has a hand written diary anymore anyway? and why not post it on the internet for all the world to see? did i say diary?? i mean...uhh

Dear Diary...

a few months ago i was catching up with a dear friend (who just so happens to be the bomb nanny that taught me to read) and we were catching up on life and all the sudden i realize i have invited myself to live with her. being the saint that she is, of course, she says yes. so a little background on ade...coolest chick alive. and she pretty much rocks my socks off. on a more serious note she honestly just exudes and radiates joy in all that she does. i have always looked up to her and why wouldnt you want to surround yourself with someone like that? no brainer! so fast forward to present day. friday jan 20 i hopped in "handsome" (my 4runner) and started the 13 hour journey to Castle Rock, CO. of course when i decided to embark on this adventure a couple months back i was thinking gah that'll be a great drive to the denver area, but would i really want to take the same route back? so the spontaneous side of me (that no one knew existed) decided...why not travel across the west coast? so thats what i plan to do. (without planning too much, dont wanna lose that spontaneity)

1. castle rock, co (two weeks)
2. breck and fort collins (4 days)
3. four corners
4. grand canyon
5. vegas
6. san diego
7. la
8. phoenix
9. wherever else i decide to stop on my way home to dallas :)

i am going to use this to keep track of my travels...hope you enjoy the view from the passengers seat. i know Johnathan did on our way to Colorado.

this is my new room for the time being... love it!

today we went to Colorado Mills mall to have lunch with my cousin dax and his wife nikki and their little girl darby...ummm love of my life!! i am so sad i havent seen her in a few years and feel like i have missed so much, but i wont let that happen again.

is she not the most beautiful thing ever?

well i better hit the hay. all this blogging really takes it out of you. church at red rock tomorrow with ade. cant wait to check it out.

Goodnight world wide web...