it was june 6, 2011 when i wrote this blog post...
http://sabbaticalsally.blogspot.com/2011/06/on-death.html
after 23 years of thinking i was put on this earth to become a mother, i up and decided that was not the case. the loss of a dear friend made me step back and question all i had come to think was my purpose on this crazy planet.
here we are nearly a year later. and where is my head?
maybe it doesnt matter.
im not married. i dont have a man in my life that i want to have children with. im not even dating anyone. ((not to say women cant have children on their own because they very well can and many do! and i may be one of them))
yet somehow this not having children bit crosses my mind almost every day.
you could ask my mom or sister how many times in the last 11 months they have heard me say "and thats another reason why im not having kids..." and they will roll their eyes and grunt and moan because if they hear me say that one more time they might strangle me.
it has become my anthem. my motto. my slogan. i sound like a broken down record. always giving excuses for why i cant/wont/shouldnt/dont want to have kids
but who do you know that doesnt want kids but talks about not having kids every freakin day?
people that dont want kids dont talk about not having kids or not wanting kids.
people that dont want kids dont talk about kids!!
you know what scares me? I was a terrible child. TERRIBLE. THE WORST! I threw temper tantrums. i screamed n cried and slammed doors. i always needed attention. i lied. i took out my moms 2 week old Mercedes at 15. i drank. i partied. i was wild. then i grew up some. picked a college where i got no scholarship. i dropped classes. i flunked some. i got tattoos. and somehow my parents still loved me and fed me. (well my dad was there up until the last few no-no's on the list so props to mom for handling those on her own)
im not listing all my bullshit for nothin. the point is... you dont just get away with things like that in life and not have some repercussions for your actions. i mean sure, i was grounded probably 2/3 of high school due to my stupid choices, but grounding? no tv, no phone, no car, no movies. at the time the punishment seemed atrocious. but did it fit the crime? the crime of a lifetime of miserable shit i put my parents through? I mean i have to imagine God has some other plans in mind to punish me. like giving me A GIRL when i get pregnant. a girl that throws temper tantrums, screams, cries, slams doors, needs constant attention, lies, takes out my brand new car and lets her underage friends drive, drinks, parties, and breaks the bank forcing me to use food stamps and collect unemployment.
what a huge pain in my ass.
so what youre telling me is Here I'm gonna have this thing that I love more than life itself. More than peanut butter or my black lab. More than Netflix. More than music. More than jumping in puddles. more than sleeping. more than macaroni and cheese. MORE THAN MY NEPHEWS AND NIECE... And they are going to say they hate me. They will treat me like crap some days. They will disobey me. They will lie to me. They will be unappreciative assholes. And all the while I will still love them immensely.
and whats worst of all...
all the sudden life could decide my baby is going to get cancer. Or get hit by a bus. Or raped. Or abused. Someone is going to break their heart. Someone is going to lie to them. Someone is going to treat them badly.
And I can't protect them.
im not scared backpacking by myself in indonesia or hitchhiking in australia but i am completely petrified, terrified, mortified to have children.
I know it's worth it. And that's why I'll still have the little bastards. But I won't sit back n say it's gonna be 20+ years of rainbows n butterflies. I'll go to Africa and fall in love with some sweet baby and decide that finally my desire to nurture and love this little monster has outweighed my fear. Someday. but right now, world wide web, right now im too busy thinking of all the reasons why i just cant make sense of it.
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