on death

someday i will blog on life, breath, happiness, yellow sunshines, and the gift of the present day. but not today. today is on death. because frankly its all i see. 

now to say it is ALL I SEE is dramatic. yes im admitting to being dramatic. admitting you have a problem is the first step, right?

less than a week ago i found out about a great friend taking his own life. and an even greater friend losing his sweet sweet brother. (RIP Kyle)

then today i woke up to 6 missed calls and several texts from friends in tulsa. my heart sank. i knew something was wrong. and it was. IT IS. it is so wrong.

now lets time travel for a minute...

its mid august 1995. im introduced to who i would later know as the most amazing teacher God could have ever blessed me with, Miss Nally. Oh the light of my 5 year old life. she was a dream come true. the sweetest, most caring woman (besides my mother, of course) to have ever walked the planet. she lit up a room. so then began my obsession with rainbows. it must have been the joy miss nally gave me that made me only want to draw rainbows for the entire 1995-1996 school year. whatever it was, it made me happy. know what (who) else made me happy that year and continued to do so for many years to come? 

cliff maxwell maxamillion cameron...errr thats what i called him :)

ooo clifff, i would say. to which he would respond with an 'oooo babs' (his nickname for me from my first name-barbara)

when he walked onto the playground my baby 5 year old heart went soaring to a place i had never felt it go before. oh the joy of your first love. he was tall and skinny. (as tall as you can be in kindergarten) i had to look up at him from where i stood. he was the cutest 5 year old i knew. and so began our innocent love affair and sweet sweet friendship from the early age of 5.

now back to present day... as much as id rather stay in 1995.

as i sat on my sisters couch crying and pondering life i watched my 4 yr old nephew, eli, playing in 2 boxes hes used to create a house. better than all the toys in their home, by far! such a simple life. wake up, eat, play, nap, play some more, and love everyone around you. i was a year older than eli and not nearly as smart when i spotted max and picked him to be my boyfriend.

  

this is eli and sophie a year ago. i was sophie. max was my eli. and i pray for eli and sophies sake that they never lose the other ones friendship. they will forever have the memories they are creating now.

life is funny. when people pass away its funny that all of the sudden they become the sweetest most amazing human you ever knew. but with max, it didnt happen when i found out that he had gone to heaven. the realization that max was truly one of the most high spirited, happy, sweet, hilarious, genuine guys ive ever met...well that realization was one that came to me every time he walked into a room, every time his name popped up on my newsfeed, anytime i saw him between classes (in elementary school, middle school, and high school), or over holiday breaks in tulsa. 

just any. time.

life is the most delicate thing we have. sweet sweet max was driving with some buddies at the lake in arkansas. it just happens so fast. and its not the death i fear for myself. its the loss of life in the people near to me. its detrimental. how many people have been so truly touched by max's life? how many people are in bed crying like i am tonight for the life lost? when was the last time he talked to his mommy? his sister? his brothers? its a crazy love we hold for family. i cant even begin to fathom losing a sibling or worse, a child. so much so that today, in this moment, i dont want children. merely for the fact and the fear that the risk of losing them is greater than my desire to have them.

"im not crying cause i feel so sorry for you, [max]. im crying for me."-toby kieth

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHZCAcSh7ls

the first call i made after i heard the news was to you. i called you, max. i wanted to hear your voice. such a sweet distinct voice. and oh so goofy at times :) when you lost your dad our senior year i didnt know how to help you. i couldnt imagine that pain. i had my dad and didnt know the words to give you to make the pain go away. all i could do was hug you. you gave the best hugs. even when i was trying to comfort you, little did you know, you were comforting me. and when i lost my dad you were there to comfort. 

that message was sent from max to me two days after my dad passed away. he said the words so eloquently. he said the words im looking for now when talking to his family. i shared this message with them and they have asked if they could read it at the service tonight...his celebration of life. im so glad that this message from my sweet friend that once gave me so much comfort can come full circle and give his own family comfort. max cameron. you are a good man. we loved you saturday. you love you now and we will love you tomorrow and will never stop loving you.

weve been through a lot. i miss you cliff. and ill continue to miss you until i get to see you again.

love you cameron family.

all the love in the world,
babs