may 9. 2011.
ive gone mute. ive lost my voice.
one of webster dictionaries ways of defining denial is: refusal to admit the truth or reality
reality. what is reality?
re·al·i·ty
noun \rē-ˈa-lə-tē\1
: the quality or state of being real
2
a (1) : a real event, entity, or state of affairs <his dream became a reality> (2) : the totality of real things and events <trying to escape from reality>
oh my reality. such speedbumps in life can seem so detrimental at times.
detrimental
its funny. well its not funny tonight. but like my good friend always says. what will this night be in the grand scheme of things?
may 13. 2011.
well, here we are almost a week later. hmm. how do i feel now?
maybe that night and this night are bigger speedbumps that i thought.
i am...
hurt. sad. blind sided. distraught. devastated. out of breath. crying hysterically.
wish i was numb.
the only sound i hear are the motors in my computers and my own sniffles and cries. what a depressing place to be. i am in a good place.... i have been. i am on the right track. my business is growing. and i am traveling the way i want. i am happy. i swear, i am. just gotta get past this somewhat major speedbump.
what do you do when someone you love so dearly all the sudden tells you he doesnt believe that Jesus is the son of God. and not only that but he is an anti theist? what the hell does that even mean?
in case you needed some info like i did.
here i am trying to prove myself and earn him back and show him how much i love him and just when im seeing a light at the end of the tunnel i get hit with a ton of bricks. tell me about it, sandra. straight blind sided.
im crushed. completely and utterly devastated. i am madly in love with someone who i now see no future with. i can barely type the words. my tears are fogging my vision. all the while receiving texts about how terrible "my God" is. woooo saaaa.
to each his own. and it looks like, for now, i am on my own. but i will use this as a way to bring me closer to God and not let it bring me down. the more he jabs, the more i pray and read and turn to the higher power that i do, very much, believe in.
you say i am naive and stubborn. well id rather be naive and stubborn and BELIEVE in something bigger than the universe. something bigger than human beings. to think we are all there is? what a miserable thought. i am ONLY human.
i was waiting for an april fools. may fools? but no. now i see. i get it. leave me alone. i feel like youre attacking me. you said you love and respect me for my beliefs and that you could accept them forever. but after all these things youve covered how could you. how could you love and respect someone that believes things that you think are so idiotic? and you make it sound so simple. duh. of course there is no God? the story of Jesus is a fairy tale? saying that "God is a man-made immoral degradation"? that "He is a beast made by man for money and power"? and then being so rude and scoffing and telling me "its the word of your lord. Respect it" after pointing out the verses about gays and slavery. thats what you see when you look at the Bible. and im sorry that whatever has happened in your life has given you this perspective. but i choose to believe. "if He brings you to it, He will bring you through it" im thankful that the things that i have been through have made me stronger and helped me eventually turn to God and not away from Him.
i kept thinking i had heard all i needed to hear to realize how severe the situation actually is but tonight pushed the envelope. i couldnt bring myself to understand that someone would believe just as strongly in something as i do. just happens to be a polar opposite belief. i keep asking myself where do i go from here?
how dare you tell me He has done NOTHING in my life. you said you respected my beliefs. telling me that "my" God has done nothing in my life is not respecting my faith. and telling me it is immoral and oppressive to spread the word of God. and I am not a gift from God? and DONT YOU DARE tell me to do my dad (RIP) a service by the way i live my life...insinuating that i am living it wrong by believing in God and in Heaven and only praying that I will see my daddy again.
im done. im hurt. im heartbroken. im crying. im still in love. but im done.
im not done because the Bible says i should be. im done because i cant see a life with you. a life where this is an emotional topic we will never agree on. where i am this hysterical every time its brought up. a life where i dont feel comfortable asking my husband and best friend to talk about our savior together or to go to church to learn more about him with me bc "going to church isnt open minded" or asking you to pray with me or to say goodnight prayers with our kids. a life where i know why i am celebrating christmas, easter, and every day i am alive and wondering what you think its for.
you want me to see how "UNIMPORTANT it is" and im silly for giving up on us because of it... and its "insignificant in the face of love". obviously the couples that have different beliefs and are making it could agree on one thing and that was how "unimportant it is and insignificant in the face of love" this topic is...but we disagree on those points as well.
you are kind, compassionate, giving, caring, forgiving, loving, strong, talented and so smart. you are a pool of knowledge. a walking encyclopedia. you are the love of my life. we have a song. we picked a ring. we have goals, plans, and dreams for our future. plans to save the world, one starving baby at a time. plans for our honeymoon. plans for our childrens names. we have laughed and loved like i never have before. and now we have lots of memories. i love you. so much.
so through my tears i tell you, i see no options
except the one where i choose God.
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