on death

someday i will blog on life, breath, happiness, yellow sunshines, and the gift of the present day. but not today. today is on death. because frankly its all i see. 

now to say it is ALL I SEE is dramatic. yes im admitting to being dramatic. admitting you have a problem is the first step, right?

less than a week ago i found out about a great friend taking his own life. and an even greater friend losing his sweet sweet brother. (RIP Kyle)

then today i woke up to 6 missed calls and several texts from friends in tulsa. my heart sank. i knew something was wrong. and it was. IT IS. it is so wrong.

now lets time travel for a minute...

its mid august 1995. im introduced to who i would later know as the most amazing teacher God could have ever blessed me with, Miss Nally. Oh the light of my 5 year old life. she was a dream come true. the sweetest, most caring woman (besides my mother, of course) to have ever walked the planet. she lit up a room. so then began my obsession with rainbows. it must have been the joy miss nally gave me that made me only want to draw rainbows for the entire 1995-1996 school year. whatever it was, it made me happy. know what (who) else made me happy that year and continued to do so for many years to come? 

cliff maxwell maxamillion cameron...errr thats what i called him :)

ooo clifff, i would say. to which he would respond with an 'oooo babs' (his nickname for me from my first name-barbara)

when he walked onto the playground my baby 5 year old heart went soaring to a place i had never felt it go before. oh the joy of your first love. he was tall and skinny. (as tall as you can be in kindergarten) i had to look up at him from where i stood. he was the cutest 5 year old i knew. and so began our innocent love affair and sweet sweet friendship from the early age of 5.

now back to present day... as much as id rather stay in 1995.

as i sat on my sisters couch crying and pondering life i watched my 4 yr old nephew, eli, playing in 2 boxes hes used to create a house. better than all the toys in their home, by far! such a simple life. wake up, eat, play, nap, play some more, and love everyone around you. i was a year older than eli and not nearly as smart when i spotted max and picked him to be my boyfriend.

  

this is eli and sophie a year ago. i was sophie. max was my eli. and i pray for eli and sophies sake that they never lose the other ones friendship. they will forever have the memories they are creating now.

life is funny. when people pass away its funny that all of the sudden they become the sweetest most amazing human you ever knew. but with max, it didnt happen when i found out that he had gone to heaven. the realization that max was truly one of the most high spirited, happy, sweet, hilarious, genuine guys ive ever met...well that realization was one that came to me every time he walked into a room, every time his name popped up on my newsfeed, anytime i saw him between classes (in elementary school, middle school, and high school), or over holiday breaks in tulsa. 

just any. time.

life is the most delicate thing we have. sweet sweet max was driving with some buddies at the lake in arkansas. it just happens so fast. and its not the death i fear for myself. its the loss of life in the people near to me. its detrimental. how many people have been so truly touched by max's life? how many people are in bed crying like i am tonight for the life lost? when was the last time he talked to his mommy? his sister? his brothers? its a crazy love we hold for family. i cant even begin to fathom losing a sibling or worse, a child. so much so that today, in this moment, i dont want children. merely for the fact and the fear that the risk of losing them is greater than my desire to have them.

"im not crying cause i feel so sorry for you, [max]. im crying for me."-toby kieth

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHZCAcSh7ls

the first call i made after i heard the news was to you. i called you, max. i wanted to hear your voice. such a sweet distinct voice. and oh so goofy at times :) when you lost your dad our senior year i didnt know how to help you. i couldnt imagine that pain. i had my dad and didnt know the words to give you to make the pain go away. all i could do was hug you. you gave the best hugs. even when i was trying to comfort you, little did you know, you were comforting me. and when i lost my dad you were there to comfort. 

that message was sent from max to me two days after my dad passed away. he said the words so eloquently. he said the words im looking for now when talking to his family. i shared this message with them and they have asked if they could read it at the service tonight...his celebration of life. im so glad that this message from my sweet friend that once gave me so much comfort can come full circle and give his own family comfort. max cameron. you are a good man. we loved you saturday. you love you now and we will love you tomorrow and will never stop loving you.

weve been through a lot. i miss you cliff. and ill continue to miss you until i get to see you again.

love you cameron family.

all the love in the world,
babs

ode to kyle

this is an excerpt from my blog on January 30, 2011...

convo two: another friend i met in mexico but hes a precious canadian kid. ive actually stayed in touch with his bro more than him, but we had an awesome chat last night. he said some things i was so glad to hear. we talked about relationships and about pain and the way people handle stressful situations. we talked about how catastrophic some situations can be to some people. he said 

**"it is a scary thing, that a penny can derail thousands of tons of locomotive."** 

and he said "Managing change is the least possessed characteristic." take that in, chew on it...he was also helping me realize that you cant compare peoples pain. the worst day of my life might seem minuscule to the next and monumental to someone else. i was judging someone for the way they handled situations and thinking "was that really the worst day of your life?" cuz i know that dec 13, 2006 was probably the worst day of my life. the day my dad had a massive heart attack and died a month after having a full physical. i also know some other people who have lost children or best friends or spouses in horrific ways so it became easy for me to scoff when people use the phrase "worst day of my life," but this talk last night really helped me see that one person's pain cannot be compared to another.

what a great night of amazing talks with two friends. i thank God for putting these guys in my life and opening my eyes to some things that i did not think of until they brought it to my attention. and paul and kyle, if you are reading this, thank you. for today, you have inspired me. 

What is so crazy about my conversation with Kyle that cold night in Colorado via facebook is I feel I was leaning on him!!! AND HE LET ME, when he was hurting so badly. But that was his point. He honestly did not feel that his pain of losing Mark in the house fire that he made it out of was greater than my heartache. His pain was so great that he is no longer here on earth with us. He could not bare to live with the pain that he felt. We hadn't talked in years and he opened up to me more than some of my closest friends ever will. He taught me such great and valuable lessons about life and how to never compare ones pain to another. He told me about sitting in counseling multiple times a week with people who he had to consciously remind himself not to think "thats way worse than what I am going through." If I had a penny for every time I have shared this wisdom that Kyle so graciously gave to me I would be a rich woman.

I will never forget the conversation we had in January. You changed my perspective on life and gave me a better understanding of others pain. O Kyle, if only I could have helped you heal the way you helped me. So with tear filled eyes I will tell you...I am eternally grateful for the wisdom you have shared with me. Your warmth, laughter, smile, and spirit will never be forgotten. And I know Jordan (canada boy) and I will remain friends for many years to come (just like you wanted!!!) I love you Big Red.
love, your Oklahoma girl

http://www.facebook.com/notes/nathan-fairbairn/eulogy-for-kyle-alexander-schroter/10150236438366054girl

hoping this new low will bring a new high.

may 9. 2011.

ive gone mute. ive lost my voice.

one of webster dictionaries ways of defining denial is: refusal to admit the truth or reality

reality. what is reality?

re·al·i·ty

noun \rē-ˈa-lə-tē\

1

: the quality or state of being real

2

a (1) : a real event, entity, or state of affairs <his dream became a reality> (2) : the totality of real things and events <trying to escape from reality>

oh my reality. such speedbumps in life can seem so detrimental at times.

detrimental

: obviously harmful : damaging <the detrimental effects of pollution>

its funny. well its not funny tonight. but like my good friend always says. what will this night be in the grand scheme of things? 

may 13. 2011.

well, here we are almost a week later. hmm. how do i feel now?

maybe that night and this night are bigger speedbumps that i thought.

i am...

hurt. sad. blind sided. distraught. devastated. out of breath. crying hysterically.

wish i was numb.

the only sound i hear are the motors in my computers and my own sniffles and cries. what a depressing place to be. i am in a good place.... i have been. i am on the right track. my business is growing. and i am traveling the way i want. i am happy. i swear, i am. just gotta get past this somewhat major speedbump. 

what do you do when someone you love so dearly all the sudden tells you he doesnt believe that Jesus is the son of God. and not only that but he is an anti theist? what the hell does that even mean? 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antitheism

 in case you needed some info like i did.

here i am trying to prove myself and earn him back and show him how much i love him and just when im seeing a light at the end of the tunnel i get hit with a ton of bricks. tell me about it, sandra. straight blind sided.

im crushed. completely and utterly devastated. i am madly in love with someone who i now see no future with. i can barely type the words. my tears are fogging my vision. all the while receiving texts about how terrible "my God" is. woooo saaaa.

to each his own. and it looks like, for now, i am on my own. but i will use this as a way to bring me closer to God and not let it bring me down. the more he jabs, the more i pray and read and turn to the higher power that i do, very much, believe in.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secular_humanism

you say i am naive and stubborn. well id rather be naive and stubborn and BELIEVE in something bigger than the universe. something bigger than human beings. to think we are all there is? what a miserable thought. i am ONLY human.

http://www.angelfire.com/ny/prtaz/Poetry/I_Am_Only_Human.htm

i was waiting for an april fools. may fools? but no. now i see. i get it. leave me alone. i feel like youre attacking me. you said you love and respect me for my beliefs and that you could accept them forever. but after all these things youve covered how could you. how could you love and respect someone that believes things that you think are so idiotic? and you make it sound so simple. duh. of course there is no God? the story of Jesus is a fairy tale? saying that "God is a man-made immoral degradation"? that "He is a beast made by man for money and power"? and then being so rude and scoffing and telling me "its the word of your lord. Respect it" after pointing out the verses about gays and slavery.  thats what you see when you look at the Bible. and im sorry that whatever has happened in your life has given you this perspective. but i choose to believe. "if He brings you to it, He will bring you through it" im thankful that the things that i have been through have made me stronger and helped me eventually turn to God and not away from Him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FYDcvY2lfI

i kept thinking i had heard all i needed to hear to realize how severe the situation actually is but tonight pushed the envelope. i couldnt bring myself to understand that someone would believe just as strongly in something as i do. just happens to be a polar opposite belief. i keep asking myself where do i go from here?

how dare you tell me He has done NOTHING in my life. you said you respected my beliefs. telling me that "my" God has done nothing in my life is not respecting my faith. and telling me it is immoral and oppressive to spread the word of God. and I am not a gift from God? and DONT YOU DARE tell me to do my dad (RIP) a service by the way i live my life...insinuating that i am living it wrong by believing in God and in Heaven and only praying that I will see my daddy again.

im done. im hurt. im heartbroken. im crying. im still in love. but im done. 

im not done because the Bible says i should be. im done because i cant see a life with you. a life where this is an emotional topic we will never agree on. where i am this hysterical every time its brought up. a life where i dont feel comfortable asking my husband and best friend to talk about our savior together or to go to church to learn more about him with me bc "going to church isnt open minded" or asking you to pray with me or to say goodnight prayers with our kids. a life where i know why i am celebrating christmas, easter, and every day i am alive and wondering what you think its for.

you want me to see how "UNIMPORTANT it is" and im silly for giving up on us because of it... and its "insignificant in the face of love". obviously the couples that have different beliefs  and are making it could agree on one thing and that was how "unimportant it is and insignificant in the face of love" this topic is...but we disagree on those points as well.

you are kind, compassionate, giving, caring, forgiving, loving, strong, talented and so smart. you are a pool of knowledge. a walking encyclopedia. you are the love of my life. we have a song. we picked a ring. we have goals, plans, and dreams for our future. plans to save the world, one starving baby at a time. plans for our honeymoon. plans for our childrens names. we have laughed and loved like i never have before. and now we have lots of memories. i love you. so much.

so through my tears i tell you, i see no options

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OA3MSqufJP4

except the one where i choose God. 

naivety

Okay...i have figured out what it is about being optimistic that is hard for me. i feel like optimism is right up there with naivety. and unfortunately for me i feel i have spent a large majority of my 23 years being naive.

	naïveté
	to be unaware, uneducated. lacking experience with everyday life. Natural or artless simplicity. Pure, unknowing, uninformed; stupidly innocent. usually applies to lacking wisdom with lesser age.

knowledge is power? or ignorance is bliss?

i will say i can remember playing a game with friends in september 2009 and i know i answered that question with ignorance is bliss.

what an idiot.

i mean i still agree. ignorance is much more blissful. but can one live with their head in the clouds? always believing other people? and continuing to get knocked down? its a fine line between having your guard up so much that you never let anyone in and being too naive and maybe -optimistic- to think they could pleasantly surprise you. you cant be so naive to ignore the things that are right in front of your face(book) right?


hmmm...

My friend Brttany said to me the other day "Its a crazy rollercoaster of a life we live in!"

it sure is, world wide web.

i want you to want me. cheap trick.

OPTIMISM is sanity for me right now.

great line from "How Do You Know?"

i couldnt think of a better line that would fit my night. or my situation. because anything besides optimism right now will drive me to complete insanity.

im not the optimistic type. in my life i have more been heavily persuaded that if i think negative i cant be let down.

if bad happens, i expected it. if good happens, im pleasantly surprised.

((my dad would be so angry with me if he heard me say that. he was the biggest believer in thinking positive thoughts. if you think you will win, you will. if you think you will get sick, you will. he was always telling us "the mind controls the body" so why i dont i live by that?? i dont know. i guess i just know that no one likes to be let down. no one likes disappointment. and so i have lived with this idea that i could get by with the 'id rather be pleasantly surprised than let down' thought.))

sounds depressing when i say it out loud, but i happen to be one of the most cheerful people i know :) 

and normally, this think negatively tactic would work fairly well for me, but there comes a time when you can physically drive yourself mad thinking about something over and over and talking and wondering. sometimes you can think so negatively that you can damage yourself. you can become depressed over thinking something is worse than it may actually be.

so tonight.... optimism. and silence. and prayer. and calm is what i choose.

here's to optimism, world wide web.

2011: the year of the rabbit (replace with TRAVEL)

2011 is rockin my socks off. The year of travel for sabbatical sally. It started with the sabbatical around the midwest and west coast. Now I am planning trips later this year to Africa, Bali, Australia, and El Salvador. Heck yes.

I don't wanna tell my kids "Travel while you're young or before you start a family or before you have a career or before it's too late... I wish I had!"

I'm not gonna be that lady that says she wishes she had. I am doin it! I'm saving to travel. I don't know if I'll be here tomorrow so why not go today.

I wanna be a hippie. A jet setter. A nomad. A gypsy. A free spirit. A roaming soul. a vagabond. a gallivanter. a globe-trotter. an adventurer. you get the point :)

I don't wanna let anyone tell me I can't

i want *perpetual travel*

((while i still can...before i start a family, before i have a career, before its 'too late'))

if you ask why ill say why the heck not, world wide web?

leave the pieces. the wreckers.

In the end, those who are successful are those who adjust and adapt to the decisions they have made and make the best of them.

humans sin. we all sin. even people who love and follow Jesus sin. the beauty is God sent his son to die on the cross so that we may be forgiven for our terrible sins. we all have to live with our sins and the repercussions that they may have on our life. but God forgives us. he wipes our slate clean every day so that we can continue to live for him and to try to sin less and to learn from our sins. it is a difficult thing to learn to forgive. forgiving others and forgiving ourselves. but god wants us to leave the punishment up to him. it is not up to us to decide. God is a kind gentle God and he wants us to be happy every day and he forgives me so I don't have to walk around with the burden of carrying my every sin on my shoulders. now does this mean we shouldn't be remorseful? or think we can continue to sin over and over because God will forgive us? no but it does mean i should be able to move on from day to day without having to think i don't deserve something that someone else does because of the sins of my past. 

someone asked me if i am asked what i believe do i know what to say? do i have any doubts? and my answer is yes i know exactly what i believe. it is not wavering or changing in any way. but i continue to study the word and who God is daily so that i can be better at answering those tough questions. and realizing that there arent answers to all of those tough questions but like my post from a few days ago, just learning to love God for who he is and not what he does. we wont always agree with his decisions but we arent seeing the bigger picture like he is. he knows what hes doing so we just have to put our trust in him and no one else. 

thanks for reading, world wide web.