but i dont deserve it. i dont deserve a month, or even an hour, where i think the world should stop turning and all eyes should be on me. but for some reason thats what i do. i tell myself and everyone around me to give me december. just give me this month. and for what? just cuz my dad decided to croak over n die one hot wednesday in december in cabo i think i should be able to pout all month? about anything and everything that happens? i make everything about me in december. im dramatic. im whiny. im prideful. im annoying. im emotional. and then i blame all that on the fact that its december. i told a couple people i hated december. i told them i want to just skip this month. if i could just fall asleep on november 30 and wake up january 1 everything would be cool. i hate december. makes sense right? no need for december anyway. then some ron made a remark like, "ya nothing in december except Jesus' birthday"
woops. and thats when it hit me. GOD SENT HIS ONLY SON TO DIE FOR YOU, YOU SELFISH PIECE OF ----. GET OFF YOUR LAZY WHINY ASS AND BE APPRECIATIVE FOR SOMETHING.
so here we are. another whiny december day. but im trying to remind myself. i have it so good.
i have it so good, world wide web.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
organized chaos
tonight will be an accumulation of thoughts and quotes. my mind is chaotic and all over the place with feelings of things that probably really dont matter. but occupying my mind all the same...
most girls have a plan to meet a guy and fall in love and have babies but i dont know if i have what it takes for everybodys regular plan. me.
"its not fun always thinking someone is out to steal from you or f*ck you. it makes trusting extremely difficult, not a fun feeling"-b.j.m.
looking
for the right
reasons
to want to
get out
of bed
each and
every
bitter cold
morning.
-Tyler Knott Gregson-
maybe i never really knew you at all. me.
most girls have a plan to meet a guy and fall in love and have babies but i dont know if i have what it takes for everybodys regular plan. me.
"its not fun always thinking someone is out to steal from you or f*ck you. it makes trusting extremely difficult, not a fun feeling"-b.j.m.
"This is the thing: When you hit 28 or
30, everything begins to divide. You can see very clearly two kinds of
people. On one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow,
to find … themselves and their dreams, people who know what works and
what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live adults. Then
there’s the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school
even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate, because
they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women
who are good but not great, because they don’t want to be lonely. … they
mean to develop intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like
life is one big frat party. But they don’t do those things, so they live
in an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than when they
graduated. Don’t be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take
a risk. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness,
and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself
at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either.
Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with
your journal. Ask yourself some good questions like: “Am I proud of the life I’m
living? What have I tried this month? … Do the people I’m spending time
with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my
life that’s keeping me from moving forward?” Now is your time. Walk closely with people you love, and with people
who believe … life is a grand adventure. Don’t get stuck in the past,
and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet
earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and
keep traveling honestly along life’s path."-unknown
Reasons
We are alllooking
for the right
reasons
to want to
get out
of bed
each and
every
bitter cold
morning.
-Tyler Knott Gregson-
maybe i never really knew you at all. me.
if love never fails, maybe i never found it. me.
c'est la vie.
SD 2012.
Friday, December 9, 2011
hes just not that into you
Every few months, as painful as it may be, every girl should watch this movie. It is pure genius. And some of the best lines in any movie I have ever heard.
a. So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions.
b. I miss the days when you had one phone number and one answering machine and that one answering machine has one cassette tape and that one cassette tape either had a message from a guy or it didn't. And now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It's exhausting.
c. People who get married are not to be trusted. You know why? Because if you were legitimately happy, honestly you wouldn't feel the need to make a big show out of it. You wouldn't have to broadcast it. They do it because they're insecure and because they think that getting married is what they're supposed to be doing now. And so they're lying to themselves and they're lying to others.
d. Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he
likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a
wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see,
Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist,
the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But
sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn
how to read the signs. How to tell the ones who want us from the
ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And
maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your
own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for
something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just...
moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the
unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread
signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.
a. So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions.
b. I miss the days when you had one phone number and one answering machine and that one answering machine has one cassette tape and that one cassette tape either had a message from a guy or it didn't. And now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It's exhausting.
c. People who get married are not to be trusted. You know why? Because if you were legitimately happy, honestly you wouldn't feel the need to make a big show out of it. You wouldn't have to broadcast it. They do it because they're insecure and because they think that getting married is what they're supposed to be doing now. And so they're lying to themselves and they're lying to others.
okay so maybe i dont necessarily agree with this one, but its stiil a good thought provoking quote :)
and last but not least...my personal favorite!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
THAT guy
if you're a girl you probably know or have known THAT guy at one point or another in your life. and if youre a guy you've probably known THAT girl...
hes THAT guy. you know. THAT guy you never thought you'd have. the guy you drool over, but never actually think you'll talk to. the guy thats so good looking that he makes you feel insufficient and insecure just being around him. and then he talks to you. and you think theres no way this guy could actually like you. and then he does. and then hes wonderful. when youre with him or talk about him or even think about him your knees buckle, your palms sweat, you have butterflies in your stomach and you feel like your 16 years old. hes THAT guy that makes you wanna feel that way about someone forever. and then he makes you feel like a million bucks because hes THAT guy that you never thought you could have and then you have him. or so you think. and then you blink and realize you never had him at all. and youre back to that insufficient lowly girl you were before he ever gave you the time of day.
hes THAT guy you wish you could hate. you see him after youre back to lowly insufficient girl and after all the things you had planned out in your mind of what you would do (kick him) or say (bleep you) all you can do is smile and laugh and sit and listen and wonder how the hell youre still wondering.
hes THAT guy that makes you play back in your mind every little detail of what you did or could have done or said differently. maybe if i had done this or brushed him off or played games or this that and the other then maybe, just maybe, things would be different.
and for once i could be the girl that gets THAT guy and keeps him.
hes THAT guy that your friends tell you not to believe. hes THAT guy that you cant trust because youre convinced hes so good looking that he has girls throwing themselves at him. hes THAT guy that you want to believe. you want so badly to believe every word he says even when it makes no sense at all. because for just once you want to believe that someone is telling you the truth. and that you shouldnt have to read into every word the guy you like says.
hes THAT guy thats married to some gorgeous super down to earth, low key, wonderful girl and you wonder how she did it.
hes THAT guy that pushes you to be better. that makes you strive to do more, and be more and show that you deserve THAT guy. and he deserves you.
or maybe, world wide web, maybe hes just an asshole
hes THAT guy. you know. THAT guy you never thought you'd have. the guy you drool over, but never actually think you'll talk to. the guy thats so good looking that he makes you feel insufficient and insecure just being around him. and then he talks to you. and you think theres no way this guy could actually like you. and then he does. and then hes wonderful. when youre with him or talk about him or even think about him your knees buckle, your palms sweat, you have butterflies in your stomach and you feel like your 16 years old. hes THAT guy that makes you wanna feel that way about someone forever. and then he makes you feel like a million bucks because hes THAT guy that you never thought you could have and then you have him. or so you think. and then you blink and realize you never had him at all. and youre back to that insufficient lowly girl you were before he ever gave you the time of day.
hes THAT guy you wish you could hate. you see him after youre back to lowly insufficient girl and after all the things you had planned out in your mind of what you would do (kick him) or say (bleep you) all you can do is smile and laugh and sit and listen and wonder how the hell youre still wondering.
hes THAT guy that makes you play back in your mind every little detail of what you did or could have done or said differently. maybe if i had done this or brushed him off or played games or this that and the other then maybe, just maybe, things would be different.
and for once i could be the girl that gets THAT guy and keeps him.
hes THAT guy that your friends tell you not to believe. hes THAT guy that you cant trust because youre convinced hes so good looking that he has girls throwing themselves at him. hes THAT guy that you want to believe. you want so badly to believe every word he says even when it makes no sense at all. because for just once you want to believe that someone is telling you the truth. and that you shouldnt have to read into every word the guy you like says.
hes THAT guy thats married to some gorgeous super down to earth, low key, wonderful girl and you wonder how she did it.
hes THAT guy that pushes you to be better. that makes you strive to do more, and be more and show that you deserve THAT guy. and he deserves you.
or maybe, world wide web, maybe hes just an asshole
Friday, December 2, 2011
couples shower?
I read this at the beginning of my friend's blog the other day and its so perfect. its a wonderful opening note to a blog post. (or all of them)
"Oh man, I know I'm going to offend some people with this, though that's not my heart, intention, or motivation for writing out my thoughts here tonight...Just sharing some thoughts..."
the point is whether or not i offend you, it was never my intention. this is my blog, biatch :) if you dont like it, kick rocks! okay so, Adrienne said it a little nicer... the good news is no one blogs to stay in good standing with people. or maybe they do? but personally i think you just put all your shizzz out there and say "sorry, im not sorry" to anyone you may offend :) (that was for all you wedding crasher fans)
alright. lets get to the meat of it. shall we?
lets dissect the shower a bit, shall we?
maybe if i say shall we some more i will get my point across :)
okay... the shower...
a time for you. naked.
maybe you breathe. maybe you think. maybe you cry. maybe you pray. maybe you have a rubber ducky. maybe you listen to music. maybe you sing at the top of your lungs. maybe you sit in the shower. maybe you stand. maybe you hop. maybe you twirl. maybe you pick your nose.
(((hopefully you bathe)))
FOR ME it is a time to be alone. a time to pray and think and listen to music that my roommate doesnt want to hear. a time to sing along with no worries in the world. a time when i feel kind of somewhat comfortable being naked. kind of. (oh and yes, i bathe)
i hate nakedness. hate it. h-a-t-e i-t.
if i get in the shower after a long day at work i am most definitely going to have black mascara all over my face throughout the entire shower. and im naked.
if i get in the shower in the morning i will probably sleep standing up for about 10-15 minutes before i even realize where i am. and im naked.
the point is, it is not attractive.
no matter the circumstance
being in the shower is not a sexy thing. i have boogers coming out of my nose, i'm naked, i am constantly rubbing my eyes (just making the raccoon look even worse), im naked, i leave my conditioner in my hair while i wash my bod, im naked, i use a clarisonic face washer thats loud and beeps at me, im naked, i take forever to shave my legs, im naked, and if the water isnt completely scalding hot and covering my entire body i am freezing. did i mention im naked? and i hate nakedness????
so no.
no, thank you.
no couples shower for me.
"Oh man, I know I'm going to offend some people with this, though that's not my heart, intention, or motivation for writing out my thoughts here tonight...Just sharing some thoughts..."
the point is whether or not i offend you, it was never my intention. this is my blog, biatch :) if you dont like it, kick rocks! okay so, Adrienne said it a little nicer... the good news is no one blogs to stay in good standing with people. or maybe they do? but personally i think you just put all your shizzz out there and say "sorry, im not sorry" to anyone you may offend :) (that was for all you wedding crasher fans)
alright. lets get to the meat of it. shall we?
lets dissect the shower a bit, shall we?
maybe if i say shall we some more i will get my point across :)
okay... the shower...
a time for you. naked.
maybe you breathe. maybe you think. maybe you cry. maybe you pray. maybe you have a rubber ducky. maybe you listen to music. maybe you sing at the top of your lungs. maybe you sit in the shower. maybe you stand. maybe you hop. maybe you twirl. maybe you pick your nose.
(((hopefully you bathe)))
FOR ME it is a time to be alone. a time to pray and think and listen to music that my roommate doesnt want to hear. a time to sing along with no worries in the world. a time when i feel kind of somewhat comfortable being naked. kind of. (oh and yes, i bathe)
i hate nakedness. hate it. h-a-t-e i-t.
if i get in the shower after a long day at work i am most definitely going to have black mascara all over my face throughout the entire shower. and im naked.
if i get in the shower in the morning i will probably sleep standing up for about 10-15 minutes before i even realize where i am. and im naked.
the point is, it is not attractive.
no matter the circumstance
being in the shower is not a sexy thing. i have boogers coming out of my nose, i'm naked, i am constantly rubbing my eyes (just making the raccoon look even worse), im naked, i leave my conditioner in my hair while i wash my bod, im naked, i use a clarisonic face washer thats loud and beeps at me, im naked, i take forever to shave my legs, im naked, and if the water isnt completely scalding hot and covering my entire body i am freezing. did i mention im naked? and i hate nakedness????
so no.
no, thank you.
no couples shower for me.
Ooo Bahaya
I don't know how I've gone all this time without telling you about my trip but its time....
I learned all sorts of fun new words and phrases and compared how they say certain things like or unlike us. They found such humor in "y'all" :)
Aussie lingo:
When they say...it means...
Pissed- drunk
Spewin'- mad
Heaps- a lot
Yew- yew (picture "surfs up" hand motion when saying this)
Have a shower- take a shower
Touch wood- knock on wood
Arvo -afternoon
Indonesian lingo:
Oooo Bahaya (bu-hi-yuh)- ooo danger
Nasi goreng- fried rice
Nasi goreng ayam- chicken fried rice
Selamat pagi- good morning (I said good morning all day and night because I couldnt remember the others)
Hati Hati- danger!
Tidak- no
Apa kabar? - How are you?
You'll be amazed at how often one would say "oooo bahaya". or "hati hati" Hahah made for some good jokes in indo and Australia.
The Indonesians are the coolest people ever. So friendly and happy and smiley but chill. And everything is dirt cheap. I ate "nasi goreng" for $2. A huge plate of it and a fried egg. They have this spicy sauce that is sooo bomb on everything. I could get a giant bottled water for 70 cents. Our home stays in bali and on the island were $20/night divided by two people and the hut we stayed at on the beach at the surfers spot on Lombok island was $8/night but divided by two people!!!
The backpackers that were traveling through indo were awesome too. Everyone was super friendly and open to going anywhere with anyone and being spontaneous. Everyone was on the "no plan" plan. It was so fun. I met three Aussies on the beach in gili trawangan who just said "oh we leave tomorrow for Lombok (another nearby island) wanna come?" people were so friendly. The poor guys strapped my big ol' pack on the back of one of the motor bikes and off we went. Went with my gut on the whole trip and met some great people that I believe I will be friends with for a long time.
Australia was a totally different feel than traveling in Indonesia. My mom met up with me so I got a break between the $4 hut and the hostel in manly. I got to stay in a few 4 and 5 star hotels where I could do laundry and had wifi and a shower and a western toilet and clean towels. It was a refreshing change and so nice to see my mom after being sick with Bali belly and home sick! we met in cairns and stayed at Harbor Lights. I was like a little kid that had never stayed in a hotel when we got there. Ive never been so excited to do laundry! We had an amazing time scuba diving and eating amazing food and traveling all over. We laughed sooo much.
Overall this trip definitely changed me. It was an eye opening experience and just the tip of the iceberg I hope!!! It was just a small taste of what I want to be doing, traveling the world-me and my camera.
just me and my camera, world wide web!
I learned all sorts of fun new words and phrases and compared how they say certain things like or unlike us. They found such humor in "y'all" :)
Aussie lingo:
When they say...it means...
Pissed- drunk
Spewin'- mad
Heaps- a lot
Yew- yew (picture "surfs up" hand motion when saying this)
Have a shower- take a shower
Touch wood- knock on wood
Arvo -afternoon
Indonesian lingo:
Oooo Bahaya (bu-hi-yuh)- ooo danger
Nasi goreng- fried rice
Nasi goreng ayam- chicken fried rice
Selamat pagi- good morning (I said good morning all day and night because I couldnt remember the others)
Hati Hati- danger!
Tidak- no
Apa kabar? - How are you?
You'll be amazed at how often one would say "oooo bahaya". or "hati hati" Hahah made for some good jokes in indo and Australia.
The Indonesians are the coolest people ever. So friendly and happy and smiley but chill. And everything is dirt cheap. I ate "nasi goreng" for $2. A huge plate of it and a fried egg. They have this spicy sauce that is sooo bomb on everything. I could get a giant bottled water for 70 cents. Our home stays in bali and on the island were $20/night divided by two people and the hut we stayed at on the beach at the surfers spot on Lombok island was $8/night but divided by two people!!!
The backpackers that were traveling through indo were awesome too. Everyone was super friendly and open to going anywhere with anyone and being spontaneous. Everyone was on the "no plan" plan. It was so fun. I met three Aussies on the beach in gili trawangan who just said "oh we leave tomorrow for Lombok (another nearby island) wanna come?" people were so friendly. The poor guys strapped my big ol' pack on the back of one of the motor bikes and off we went. Went with my gut on the whole trip and met some great people that I believe I will be friends with for a long time.
Australia was a totally different feel than traveling in Indonesia. My mom met up with me so I got a break between the $4 hut and the hostel in manly. I got to stay in a few 4 and 5 star hotels where I could do laundry and had wifi and a shower and a western toilet and clean towels. It was a refreshing change and so nice to see my mom after being sick with Bali belly and home sick! we met in cairns and stayed at Harbor Lights. I was like a little kid that had never stayed in a hotel when we got there. Ive never been so excited to do laundry! We had an amazing time scuba diving and eating amazing food and traveling all over. We laughed sooo much.
Overall this trip definitely changed me. It was an eye opening experience and just the tip of the iceberg I hope!!! It was just a small taste of what I want to be doing, traveling the world-me and my camera.
just me and my camera, world wide web!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Better late than never??
8/9/2011
Current location: Desert's point on Lombok off of Bali. Been here since Saturday arvo (that's afternoon in Australian slang). Not sure when we are leaving. Either tonight or in the morning. My flight from Denpasar to Cairns, Australia is tomorrow night. I have had Bali belly since Friday and it's Tuesday. Rough. not sure when I will be able to post this. Maybe not until I get to Australia. I was using wifi on Saturday morning before we left the Gili Trawangan and the whole island lost power. Ridiculous. Pretty bad timing since I was leaving to come to such a remote place. We are sleeping on pads in these huts and there is a well to get water out of for our shower (bucket to dump on my head) and squatters. Pretty primitive over here. it's cool but not very fun for Bali belly. Ha. Bali belly definitely was makin me pretty homesick. I get to see my mom really soon. I'll be meeting her in cairns. I hope she's not worried since it's been a while since I've been able to text or email her.
Okay my trip thus far: So I got into Ubud, Bali on Saturday the 30th of July and fell asleep almost immediately after traveling for about 36 hours to get there. Courtney got in around 10pm and I barely woke up enough to open the door for her. Sunday we went to monkey forest and shopped around Ubud. Such a cute town and lots of people watching and nice little cheap restaurants so we took it easy. The monkeys were hilarious. They are lil jerks. Ha stealing peoples water bottles or bananas or anything they could get their hands on. And grabbing ankles and growling. Ha. Then Monday we went on a volcano tour at 9am. It was neat no one else signed up for it the day Courtney and I did so we had a driver for the day and he took us all over!! We went to an Elephant Cave Temple, a holy water temple, to ride elephants, to see this crazy big rice terrace or rice patties, and we ate lunch over looking Mount Batur Volcano. It was a packed day and we saw so much! So after that we went back to the room for a bit then went to have dinner with a friend I went to high school with that just happened to be in ubud so that was wild! Super fun. Then we headed back and had to get some serious rest for our big 2am trek to the top of Mount Batur. wowzas. It was just that. A trek! They took us to have banana pancakes (more like a crepe here) and some hot tea then to the bottom of mount Batur. Putu was our precious Indonesian tour guide. It took about 2.5 hours to get up then we sat and watched the sunrise and took pictures. Courtney met two girls that were also teaching English in South Korea so that was pretty crazy. Then we walked a little farther to see the crater. They were these holes in the crater that were blowing hot air from the volcano! Whoa! Warmed up my freezing cold hands for about 2 seconds. Then back down the volcano. It was a little difficult with lots of slippery spots and loose rocks rolling all over but at least it wasn't pitch black like on the way up with a few crappy flashlights :) so we made it back to the home stay around 10am and by 11:30 we were heading to ParangBai to get on a ferry to Gili Trawangan. What a day. I'll keep it g rated but gili trawangan is a pretty funny place. There was a meteor shower so that was amazing seeing heaps of shooting stars (one of my favorite aus words:heaps!)
It's now august 24 and I leave in 10 days! Ahh I'm in manly just outside of Sydney. wifi sucks and it's hard to take the time to blog when inhave so little time left in the sunburned country. A quick run through of what I miss: my bed, my nephews, my sister, warmth, (it's winter here, which is nothing like our winter, but still!), I miss people saying y'all, I miss my dogs!!!!, did I mention my bed?, I miss jif peanut butter, my roomie, my big Mac, I miss editing, I miss you. I miss dvr.
But instead of thinking of everything I miss I should enjoy my time here cuz I'll miss it in 10 days. I head to Byron bay tomorrow night at 10pm for a 12 hr bus ride. Should be a good time. Will have to give a full run through of the trip soon!
Current location: Desert's point on Lombok off of Bali. Been here since Saturday arvo (that's afternoon in Australian slang). Not sure when we are leaving. Either tonight or in the morning. My flight from Denpasar to Cairns, Australia is tomorrow night. I have had Bali belly since Friday and it's Tuesday. Rough. not sure when I will be able to post this. Maybe not until I get to Australia. I was using wifi on Saturday morning before we left the Gili Trawangan and the whole island lost power. Ridiculous. Pretty bad timing since I was leaving to come to such a remote place. We are sleeping on pads in these huts and there is a well to get water out of for our shower (bucket to dump on my head) and squatters. Pretty primitive over here. it's cool but not very fun for Bali belly. Ha. Bali belly definitely was makin me pretty homesick. I get to see my mom really soon. I'll be meeting her in cairns. I hope she's not worried since it's been a while since I've been able to text or email her.
Okay my trip thus far: So I got into Ubud, Bali on Saturday the 30th of July and fell asleep almost immediately after traveling for about 36 hours to get there. Courtney got in around 10pm and I barely woke up enough to open the door for her. Sunday we went to monkey forest and shopped around Ubud. Such a cute town and lots of people watching and nice little cheap restaurants so we took it easy. The monkeys were hilarious. They are lil jerks. Ha stealing peoples water bottles or bananas or anything they could get their hands on. And grabbing ankles and growling. Ha. Then Monday we went on a volcano tour at 9am. It was neat no one else signed up for it the day Courtney and I did so we had a driver for the day and he took us all over!! We went to an Elephant Cave Temple, a holy water temple, to ride elephants, to see this crazy big rice terrace or rice patties, and we ate lunch over looking Mount Batur Volcano. It was a packed day and we saw so much! So after that we went back to the room for a bit then went to have dinner with a friend I went to high school with that just happened to be in ubud so that was wild! Super fun. Then we headed back and had to get some serious rest for our big 2am trek to the top of Mount Batur. wowzas. It was just that. A trek! They took us to have banana pancakes (more like a crepe here) and some hot tea then to the bottom of mount Batur. Putu was our precious Indonesian tour guide. It took about 2.5 hours to get up then we sat and watched the sunrise and took pictures. Courtney met two girls that were also teaching English in South Korea so that was pretty crazy. Then we walked a little farther to see the crater. They were these holes in the crater that were blowing hot air from the volcano! Whoa! Warmed up my freezing cold hands for about 2 seconds. Then back down the volcano. It was a little difficult with lots of slippery spots and loose rocks rolling all over but at least it wasn't pitch black like on the way up with a few crappy flashlights :) so we made it back to the home stay around 10am and by 11:30 we were heading to ParangBai to get on a ferry to Gili Trawangan. What a day. I'll keep it g rated but gili trawangan is a pretty funny place. There was a meteor shower so that was amazing seeing heaps of shooting stars (one of my favorite aus words:heaps!)
It's now august 24 and I leave in 10 days! Ahh I'm in manly just outside of Sydney. wifi sucks and it's hard to take the time to blog when inhave so little time left in the sunburned country. A quick run through of what I miss: my bed, my nephews, my sister, warmth, (it's winter here, which is nothing like our winter, but still!), I miss people saying y'all, I miss my dogs!!!!, did I mention my bed?, I miss jif peanut butter, my roomie, my big Mac, I miss editing, I miss you. I miss dvr.
But instead of thinking of everything I miss I should enjoy my time here cuz I'll miss it in 10 days. I head to Byron bay tomorrow night at 10pm for a 12 hr bus ride. Should be a good time. Will have to give a full run through of the trip soon!
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Making the sign of the Cross all the way to Bali
Dear God, I pray that we all make it to our destinations safely. Put a hedge of protection over all passengers, pilots, flight attendants, etc. Let your will be done in our lives. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit. Amen.
No I'm not catholic, or any other denomination for that matter, but being on all these airplanes has me making the sign of the cross like my dad did.
Guess you're curious where I am going. I'm curious too :) Sabbatical Sally returns, but this time, on steroids. Not literally, of course.
First stop (for longer than 4 hours): Bali, Indonesia and surrounding areas.
Duration: 10 days
Next stop: starting in Cairns, Australia and traveling down the east coast.
Duration: not sure? (Approx. 4.5 weeks)
When I say not sure I mean, I have a idea of when I think I'd like to come back, but I am actually not sure because I don't know where I will be when I am ready to come back or when that will be. So for now I have no ticket home. I have to leave on Sept 6 to make it back for my mom's shoulder surgery so that's the "plan" but who knows. I might head home early. Maybe I'll be missing my god son and nephews and family so badly that I want to leave behind the kangaroos and beaches and surfing and camping and beautiful scenery and hippy lifestyle :) love will make you do crazy things.
What I left behind in Dallas: a house, bills, a roomie, sam flan, two dogs, my crazy amazing momma, an awesome sister, an insane bro in law, and three fantastic nephews. One that was crying "ditdy, please take me on da airplane" as I was saying goodbye. So as of July 28th around 5pm pre boarding my first flight I was already homesick.
Flight from DFW to LAX (3 hours): In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit. I flew Virgin America. Holy cow. It's lit by black lights with hot pink lights up above, the crew is cool, the safety instructions are funny talking about the .0001% of people on the plane that don't know how to fasten a seat belt, and if you do Main Cabin Select its not quite first class but it's an upgrade worth making.you either pay $25 to check a bag or $69 for bag check, Extra leg room (like I'm so desperate for extra leg room), personal tvs with free on demand movies, tv, radio, UNLIMITED FREE FOOD, DRINK, SNACKS!!!! Free absolute vodka, free jelly bellys, free fruit/cheese platter, free sandwich, free pringles, free snickers, free cokes, free premium alcohol. Let's just say it was an investment I do not regret and I came out ahead. It got to the point where I wasnt even hungry or thirsty, I was just waiting for them to say okay, you hit your max, you have to pay $100 for that mini water. But it never happened. The people on either side of me must have known I was a Virgin America virgin. They had their wits about them while I was a 5 yr old in a candy store. They each had one mini bottled water and a bag of chips and a meal. HA and they think I'm the amateur. I wanted to scream "hey guys its free!!!!!!" Nothing in life is free. Especially on planes. You have to pay to use the pot now so don't even bother reminiscing the days when you got a full can of sprite and unlimited peanuts or pretzels. As if a $150 ticket to lax couldn't cover a can of coke and 10 measly pretzels. Ill tell my kids about the good old days just like my dad told me stories of paying 25 cents for a movie ticket. Okay jet lag is setting in and I'm off topic... Moving on...In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit.
What I left behind in LA: a yoga going, "chi" having, salmon making, hilariously broke, wishes he was eligible for unemployment, sweet talkin, obsessive compulsive while still managing to have a hippy personality, swagger old spice wearing brother that I love. Maybe too much. It was pure stupidity to arrive at LAX from DFW (pretty tipsy from said free alcohol) at 7:45pm, claim my bag, recheck my bag, and hop in a cab to head to Power Yoga in Santa Monica 20 minutes away to attend a 90 minute class from 8:30-10pm, shoot the breeze with some yogis, grab a Gatorade, small talk with my bro and his buddy, shower, wait for a cab, get in a cab that had no idea where the international terminal was, and hall ass across the airport to gate 144 by 10:50pm ( Just sounds far, doesn't it? Ya, It was.) Mind you, I'm luggin 50+ lbs worth of camera equipment, laptop, external hard drive, etc in two carry on bags. I made it by 11:28pm for my 11:50pm flight to Hong Kong. I was the last person to go through the gate and they escorted me to a bus that would take us to our plane with about 632 Hong Kong-anites looking pissed at me for holdin them up. Because we were all in such a hurry to get on our plane we would be on for 14 hours, apparently. And after all that pure chaos, it was so worth it. Told you I might love him too much.
Oh and a best friend I didn't get to see. Love ya Evvy.
Flight from LAX to Hong Kong(13 hrs and 40 minutes): In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit. Cathay pacific. window seat. Score! Except the people in the row were brutal. They didnt want to let me up for anything! Good thing I only peed once in 14 hours. I learned that the nice lesbian hong kong-anite sitting next to me is into nurses so that was interesting. Besides that I ate fish for dinner with the cutest silverware I've ever seen on a plane (which I saved them the trouble of throwing away) slept a bit, watched "Hall Pass", slept, attempted to watch "Despicable Me", slept, slept, ate scrambled eggs, slept, and finally watched "Despicable Me". I can see why first class would be nice for only a few thousand dollars extra. ha. I was curled up in a ball like a normally due but the seat was jabbing me on the right and the heavier set lesbian was flowing into my area on my left. I was sore from yoga and exhausted but almost unable to sleep (for the first time in history, folks). Needless to say I was happy to make the sign of the cross when we landed and get the heck off that plane. Oh and a special shout out to my sister and her hubby for letting me borrow these phenomenal noise canceling headphones. Life savers. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit.
What I left behind in Hong Kong: an immigration form I never needed to fill out. Sorry I don't read Chinese and every other human on the plane did so they didn't feel the need to tell me where to go. I followed my plane mates to immigration then waited for my bag that would never arrive bc it's going straight from lax to Bali to then go up stairs, through security, and back through immigration. At least it gave me something to do at 4:45am in hong kong when I had over 5 hours til take off to Bali. Wifi didnt work. Nothing was open. And my gate wasn't displayed yet but if you're still reading this you should appreciate all that other wise I would have been distracted doing something besides blogging. Around 7:30am I grabbed McDonalds breakfast which makes me wanna throw up just talking about, then finally saw my gate number 19 displayed and headed there, curled up across a couple seats with my bags and the blanket I cleptoed from the previous flight and crashed til it was time to board the seemingly short 4 hour flight to Denpasar.
Flight from Hong Kong to Bali (4 hours): In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit. Cathay pacific. Window seat. I was fully prepared to get on this plane, put on my noise cancelers and zone out but instead I waited to see who would sit next to me...ha. So glad I did. Meet Matt and Freja (pronounced fray-uh) Robinson from San Francisco. Together for 12 years, married for 4 of those years. Perfect hippy plane drunkards. I say plane drunkards because I don't actually think they are drunkards, just when they are 20 hour voyages, plus matt is afraid of flying. My entertainment for the following four hours would consist of stories of matt and freja's adventures all over the world and watching matt open the overhead compartment only to watch, not one, but two bags fall from the overhead compartment directly onto the woman's head in front of us and proceed to spill her drink. Oh and did I mention he was trying to get his 6 mini Jack Daniels bottles from his bag that he and Freja bought at the duty free shop in Hong Kong? Ha. Well the woman in front of us was furious and ended up writing out a report to the airline but it supplied the three of us in row 58 with a solid couple hours of laughter. And for that I thank both Matt and the woman in front of us for being the butt of our joke. Ahh it hurts. Oooo gaaa. My abs hurt from yoga. Whooo saaaa. So funny. Okay. 56 minutes til we land. Then an hour drive to Ubud to my hostel. I think the pool sounds amazing. Hmm do they have a pool? I looked at so many freaking hostels I can't even remember. I'm gonna rest for the remainder of the flight. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit.
I ended up catching a ride with the San Franciscans to Ubud. Our places are about 3 minutes from each other. Courtney got in last night around 10pm. We will see where the wind blows us today :)
Have a good day world wide web
No I'm not catholic, or any other denomination for that matter, but being on all these airplanes has me making the sign of the cross like my dad did.
Guess you're curious where I am going. I'm curious too :) Sabbatical Sally returns, but this time, on steroids. Not literally, of course.
First stop (for longer than 4 hours): Bali, Indonesia and surrounding areas.
Duration: 10 days
Next stop: starting in Cairns, Australia and traveling down the east coast.
Duration: not sure? (Approx. 4.5 weeks)
When I say not sure I mean, I have a idea of when I think I'd like to come back, but I am actually not sure because I don't know where I will be when I am ready to come back or when that will be. So for now I have no ticket home. I have to leave on Sept 6 to make it back for my mom's shoulder surgery so that's the "plan" but who knows. I might head home early. Maybe I'll be missing my god son and nephews and family so badly that I want to leave behind the kangaroos and beaches and surfing and camping and beautiful scenery and hippy lifestyle :) love will make you do crazy things.
What I left behind in Dallas: a house, bills, a roomie, sam flan, two dogs, my crazy amazing momma, an awesome sister, an insane bro in law, and three fantastic nephews. One that was crying "ditdy, please take me on da airplane" as I was saying goodbye. So as of July 28th around 5pm pre boarding my first flight I was already homesick.
Flight from DFW to LAX (3 hours): In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit. I flew Virgin America. Holy cow. It's lit by black lights with hot pink lights up above, the crew is cool, the safety instructions are funny talking about the .0001% of people on the plane that don't know how to fasten a seat belt, and if you do Main Cabin Select its not quite first class but it's an upgrade worth making.you either pay $25 to check a bag or $69 for bag check, Extra leg room (like I'm so desperate for extra leg room), personal tvs with free on demand movies, tv, radio, UNLIMITED FREE FOOD, DRINK, SNACKS!!!! Free absolute vodka, free jelly bellys, free fruit/cheese platter, free sandwich, free pringles, free snickers, free cokes, free premium alcohol. Let's just say it was an investment I do not regret and I came out ahead. It got to the point where I wasnt even hungry or thirsty, I was just waiting for them to say okay, you hit your max, you have to pay $100 for that mini water. But it never happened. The people on either side of me must have known I was a Virgin America virgin. They had their wits about them while I was a 5 yr old in a candy store. They each had one mini bottled water and a bag of chips and a meal. HA and they think I'm the amateur. I wanted to scream "hey guys its free!!!!!!" Nothing in life is free. Especially on planes. You have to pay to use the pot now so don't even bother reminiscing the days when you got a full can of sprite and unlimited peanuts or pretzels. As if a $150 ticket to lax couldn't cover a can of coke and 10 measly pretzels. Ill tell my kids about the good old days just like my dad told me stories of paying 25 cents for a movie ticket. Okay jet lag is setting in and I'm off topic... Moving on...In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit.
What I left behind in LA: a yoga going, "chi" having, salmon making, hilariously broke, wishes he was eligible for unemployment, sweet talkin, obsessive compulsive while still managing to have a hippy personality, swagger old spice wearing brother that I love. Maybe too much. It was pure stupidity to arrive at LAX from DFW (pretty tipsy from said free alcohol) at 7:45pm, claim my bag, recheck my bag, and hop in a cab to head to Power Yoga in Santa Monica 20 minutes away to attend a 90 minute class from 8:30-10pm, shoot the breeze with some yogis, grab a Gatorade, small talk with my bro and his buddy, shower, wait for a cab, get in a cab that had no idea where the international terminal was, and hall ass across the airport to gate 144 by 10:50pm ( Just sounds far, doesn't it? Ya, It was.) Mind you, I'm luggin 50+ lbs worth of camera equipment, laptop, external hard drive, etc in two carry on bags. I made it by 11:28pm for my 11:50pm flight to Hong Kong. I was the last person to go through the gate and they escorted me to a bus that would take us to our plane with about 632 Hong Kong-anites looking pissed at me for holdin them up. Because we were all in such a hurry to get on our plane we would be on for 14 hours, apparently. And after all that pure chaos, it was so worth it. Told you I might love him too much.
Oh and a best friend I didn't get to see. Love ya Evvy.
Flight from LAX to Hong Kong(13 hrs and 40 minutes): In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit. Cathay pacific. window seat. Score! Except the people in the row were brutal. They didnt want to let me up for anything! Good thing I only peed once in 14 hours. I learned that the nice lesbian hong kong-anite sitting next to me is into nurses so that was interesting. Besides that I ate fish for dinner with the cutest silverware I've ever seen on a plane (which I saved them the trouble of throwing away) slept a bit, watched "Hall Pass", slept, attempted to watch "Despicable Me", slept, slept, ate scrambled eggs, slept, and finally watched "Despicable Me". I can see why first class would be nice for only a few thousand dollars extra. ha. I was curled up in a ball like a normally due but the seat was jabbing me on the right and the heavier set lesbian was flowing into my area on my left. I was sore from yoga and exhausted but almost unable to sleep (for the first time in history, folks). Needless to say I was happy to make the sign of the cross when we landed and get the heck off that plane. Oh and a special shout out to my sister and her hubby for letting me borrow these phenomenal noise canceling headphones. Life savers. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit.
What I left behind in Hong Kong: an immigration form I never needed to fill out. Sorry I don't read Chinese and every other human on the plane did so they didn't feel the need to tell me where to go. I followed my plane mates to immigration then waited for my bag that would never arrive bc it's going straight from lax to Bali to then go up stairs, through security, and back through immigration. At least it gave me something to do at 4:45am in hong kong when I had over 5 hours til take off to Bali. Wifi didnt work. Nothing was open. And my gate wasn't displayed yet but if you're still reading this you should appreciate all that other wise I would have been distracted doing something besides blogging. Around 7:30am I grabbed McDonalds breakfast which makes me wanna throw up just talking about, then finally saw my gate number 19 displayed and headed there, curled up across a couple seats with my bags and the blanket I cleptoed from the previous flight and crashed til it was time to board the seemingly short 4 hour flight to Denpasar.
Flight from Hong Kong to Bali (4 hours): In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit. Cathay pacific. Window seat. I was fully prepared to get on this plane, put on my noise cancelers and zone out but instead I waited to see who would sit next to me...ha. So glad I did. Meet Matt and Freja (pronounced fray-uh) Robinson from San Francisco. Together for 12 years, married for 4 of those years. Perfect hippy plane drunkards. I say plane drunkards because I don't actually think they are drunkards, just when they are 20 hour voyages, plus matt is afraid of flying. My entertainment for the following four hours would consist of stories of matt and freja's adventures all over the world and watching matt open the overhead compartment only to watch, not one, but two bags fall from the overhead compartment directly onto the woman's head in front of us and proceed to spill her drink. Oh and did I mention he was trying to get his 6 mini Jack Daniels bottles from his bag that he and Freja bought at the duty free shop in Hong Kong? Ha. Well the woman in front of us was furious and ended up writing out a report to the airline but it supplied the three of us in row 58 with a solid couple hours of laughter. And for that I thank both Matt and the woman in front of us for being the butt of our joke. Ahh it hurts. Oooo gaaa. My abs hurt from yoga. Whooo saaaa. So funny. Okay. 56 minutes til we land. Then an hour drive to Ubud to my hostel. I think the pool sounds amazing. Hmm do they have a pool? I looked at so many freaking hostels I can't even remember. I'm gonna rest for the remainder of the flight. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit.
I ended up catching a ride with the San Franciscans to Ubud. Our places are about 3 minutes from each other. Courtney got in last night around 10pm. We will see where the wind blows us today :)
Have a good day world wide web
Monday, June 6, 2011
on death
someday i will blog on life, breath, happiness, yellow sunshines, and the gift of the present day. but not today. today is on death. because frankly its all i see.
love you cameron family.
all the love in the world,
babs
now to say it is ALL I SEE is dramatic. yes im admitting to being dramatic. admitting you have a problem is the first step, right?
less than a week ago i found out about a great friend taking his own life. and an even greater friend losing his sweet sweet brother. (RIP Kyle)
then today i woke up to 6 missed calls and several texts from friends in tulsa. my heart sank. i knew something was wrong. and it was. IT IS. it is so wrong.
now lets time travel for a minute...
its mid august 1995. im introduced to who i would later know as the most amazing teacher God could have ever blessed me with, Miss Nally. Oh the light of my 5 year old life. she was a dream come true. the sweetest, most caring woman (besides my mother, of course) to have ever walked the planet. she lit up a room. so then began my obsession with rainbows. it must have been the joy miss nally gave me that made me only want to draw rainbows for the entire 1995-1996 school year. whatever it was, it made me happy. know what (who) else made me happy that year and continued to do so for many years to come?
cliff maxwell maxamillion cameron...errr thats what i called him :)
ooo clifff, i would say. to which he would respond with an 'oooo babs' (his nickname for me from my first name-barbara)
when he walked onto the playground my baby 5 year old heart went soaring to a place i had never felt it go before. oh the joy of your first love. he was tall and skinny. (as tall as you can be in kindergarten) i had to look up at him from where i stood. he was the cutest 5 year old i knew. and so began our innocent love affair and sweet sweet friendship from the early age of 5.
now back to present day... as much as id rather stay in 1995.
as i sat on my sisters couch crying and pondering life i watched my 4 yr old nephew, eli, playing in 2 boxes hes used to create a house. better than all the toys in their home, by far! such a simple life. wake up, eat, play, nap, play some more, and love everyone around you. i was a year older than eli and not nearly as smart when i spotted max and picked him to be my boyfriend.
this is eli and sophie a year ago. i was sophie. max was my eli. and i pray for eli and sophies sake that they never lose the other ones friendship. they will forever have the memories they are creating now.
life is funny. when people pass away its funny that all of the sudden they become the sweetest most amazing human you ever knew. but with max, it didnt happen when i found out that he had gone to heaven. the realization that max was truly one of the most high spirited, happy, sweet, hilarious, genuine guys ive ever met...well that realization was one that came to me every time he walked into a room, every time his name popped up on my newsfeed, anytime i saw him between classes (in elementary school, middle school, and high school), or over holiday breaks in tulsa.
just any. time.
life is the most delicate thing we have. sweet sweet max was driving with some buddies at the lake in arkansas. it just happens so fast. and its not the death i fear for myself. its the loss of life in the people near to me. its detrimental. how many people have been so truly touched by max's life? how many people are in bed crying like i am tonight for the life lost? when was the last time he talked to his mommy? his sister? his brothers? its a crazy love we hold for family. i cant even begin to fathom losing a sibling or worse, a child. so much so that today, in this moment, i dont want children. merely for the fact and the fear that the risk of losing them is greater than my desire to have them.
"im not crying cause i feel so sorry for you, [max]. im crying for me."-toby kieth
the first call i made after i heard the news was to you. i called you, max. i wanted to hear your voice. such a sweet distinct voice. and oh so goofy at times :) when you lost your dad our senior year i didnt know how to help you. i couldnt imagine that pain. i had my dad and didnt know the words to give you to make the pain go away. all i could do was hug you. you gave the best hugs. even when i was trying to comfort you, little did you know, you were comforting me. and when i lost my dad you were there to comfort.
that message was sent from max to me two days after my dad passed away. he said the words so eloquently. he said the words im looking for now when talking to his family. i shared this message with them and they have asked if they could read it at the service tonight...his celebration of life. im so glad that this message from my sweet friend that once gave me so much comfort can come full circle and give his own family comfort. max cameron. you are a good man. we loved you saturday. you love you now and we will love you tomorrow and will never stop loving you.
weve been through a lot. i miss you cliff. and ill continue to miss you until i get to see you again.
weve been through a lot. i miss you cliff. and ill continue to miss you until i get to see you again.
love you cameron family.
all the love in the world,
babs
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
ode to kyle
this is an excerpt from my blog on January 30, 2011...
convo two: another friend i met in mexico but hes a precious canadian kid. ive actually stayed in touch with his bro more than him, but we had an awesome chat last night. he said some things i was so glad to hear. we talked about relationships and about pain and the way people handle stressful situations. we talked about how catastrophic some situations can be to some people. he said
**"it is a scary thing, that a penny can derail thousands of tons of locomotive."**
and he said "Managing change is the least possessed characteristic." take that in, chew on it...he was also helping me realize that you cant compare peoples pain. the worst day of my life might seem minuscule to the next and monumental to someone else. i was judging someone for the way they handled situations and thinking "was that really the worst day of your life?" cuz i know that dec 13, 2006 was probably the worst day of my life. the day my dad had a massive heart attack and died a month after having a full physical. i also know some other people who have lost children or best friends or spouses in horrific ways so it became easy for me to scoff when people use the phrase "worst day of my life," but this talk last night really helped me see that one person's pain cannot be compared to another.
what a great night of amazing talks with two friends. i thank God for putting these guys in my life and opening my eyes to some things that i did not think of until they brought it to my attention. and paul and kyle, if you are reading this, thank you. for today, you have inspired me.
What is so crazy about my conversation with Kyle that cold night in Colorado via facebook is I feel I was leaning on him!!! AND HE LET ME, when he was hurting so badly. But that was his point. He honestly did not feel that his pain of losing Mark in the house fire that he made it out of was greater than my heartache. His pain was so great that he is no longer here on earth with us. He could not bare to live with the pain that he felt. We hadn't talked in years and he opened up to me more than some of my closest friends ever will. He taught me such great and valuable lessons about life and how to never compare ones pain to another. He told me about sitting in counseling multiple times a week with people who he had to consciously remind himself not to think "thats way worse than what I am going through." If I had a penny for every time I have shared this wisdom that Kyle so graciously gave to me I would be a rich woman.
I will never forget the conversation we had in January. You changed my perspective on life and gave me a better understanding of others pain. O Kyle, if only I could have helped you heal the way you helped me. So with tear filled eyes I will tell you...I am eternally grateful for the wisdom you have shared with me. Your warmth, laughter, smile, and spirit will never be forgotten. And I know Jordan (canada boy) and I will remain friends for many years to come (just like you wanted!!!) I love you Big Red.
love, your Oklahoma girl
http://www.facebook.com/notes/nathan-fairbairn/eulogy-for-kyle-alexander-schroter/10150236438366054girl
I will never forget the conversation we had in January. You changed my perspective on life and gave me a better understanding of others pain. O Kyle, if only I could have helped you heal the way you helped me. So with tear filled eyes I will tell you...I am eternally grateful for the wisdom you have shared with me. Your warmth, laughter, smile, and spirit will never be forgotten. And I know Jordan (canada boy) and I will remain friends for many years to come (just like you wanted!!!) I love you Big Red.
love, your Oklahoma girlhttp://www.facebook.com/notes/nathan-fairbairn/eulogy-for-kyle-alexander-schroter/10150236438366054girl
Saturday, May 14, 2011
hoping this new low will bring a new high.
may 9. 2011.
ive gone mute. ive lost my voice.
one of webster dictionaries ways of defining denial is: refusal to admit the truth or reality
reality. what is reality?
re·al·i·ty
noun \rē-ˈa-lə-tē\1
: the quality or state of being real
2
a (1) : a real event, entity, or state of affairs <his dream became a reality> (2) : the totality of real things and events <trying to escape from reality>
oh my reality. such speedbumps in life can seem so detrimental at times.
detrimental
its funny. well its not funny tonight. but like my good friend always says. what will this night be in the grand scheme of things?
may 13. 2011.
well, here we are almost a week later. hmm. how do i feel now?
maybe that night and this night are bigger speedbumps that i thought.
i am...
hurt. sad. blind sided. distraught. devastated. out of breath. crying hysterically.
wish i was numb.
the only sound i hear are the motors in my computers and my own sniffles and cries. what a depressing place to be. i am in a good place.... i have been. i am on the right track. my business is growing. and i am traveling the way i want. i am happy. i swear, i am. just gotta get past this somewhat major speedbump.
what do you do when someone you love so dearly all the sudden tells you he doesnt believe that Jesus is the son of God. and not only that but he is an anti theist? what the hell does that even mean?
in case you needed some info like i did.
here i am trying to prove myself and earn him back and show him how much i love him and just when im seeing a light at the end of the tunnel i get hit with a ton of bricks. tell me about it, sandra. straight blind sided.
im crushed. completely and utterly devastated. i am madly in love with someone who i now see no future with. i can barely type the words. my tears are fogging my vision. all the while receiving texts about how terrible "my God" is. woooo saaaa.
to each his own. and it looks like, for now, i am on my own. but i will use this as a way to bring me closer to God and not let it bring me down. the more he jabs, the more i pray and read and turn to the higher power that i do, very much, believe in.
you say i am naive and stubborn. well id rather be naive and stubborn and BELIEVE in something bigger than the universe. something bigger than human beings. to think we are all there is? what a miserable thought. i am ONLY human.
i was waiting for an april fools. may fools? but no. now i see. i get it. leave me alone. i feel like youre attacking me. you said you love and respect me for my beliefs and that you could accept them forever. but after all these things youve covered how could you. how could you love and respect someone that believes things that you think are so idiotic? and you make it sound so simple. duh. of course there is no God? the story of Jesus is a fairy tale? saying that "God is a man-made immoral degradation"? that "He is a beast made by man for money and power"? and then being so rude and scoffing and telling me "its the word of your lord. Respect it" after pointing out the verses about gays and slavery. thats what you see when you look at the Bible. and im sorry that whatever has happened in your life has given you this perspective. but i choose to believe. "if He brings you to it, He will bring you through it" im thankful that the things that i have been through have made me stronger and helped me eventually turn to God and not away from Him.
i kept thinking i had heard all i needed to hear to realize how severe the situation actually is but tonight pushed the envelope. i couldnt bring myself to understand that someone would believe just as strongly in something as i do. just happens to be a polar opposite belief. i keep asking myself where do i go from here?
how dare you tell me He has done NOTHING in my life. you said you respected my beliefs. telling me that "my" God has done nothing in my life is not respecting my faith. and telling me it is immoral and oppressive to spread the word of God. and I am not a gift from God? and DONT YOU DARE tell me to do my dad (RIP) a service by the way i live my life...insinuating that i am living it wrong by believing in God and in Heaven and only praying that I will see my daddy again.
im done. im hurt. im heartbroken. im crying. im still in love. but im done.
im not done because the Bible says i should be. im done because i cant see a life with you. a life where this is an emotional topic we will never agree on. where i am this hysterical every time its brought up. a life where i dont feel comfortable asking my husband and best friend to talk about our savior together or to go to church to learn more about him with me bc "going to church isnt open minded" or asking you to pray with me or to say goodnight prayers with our kids. a life where i know why i am celebrating christmas, easter, and every day i am alive and wondering what you think its for.
you want me to see how "UNIMPORTANT it is" and im silly for giving up on us because of it... and its "insignificant in the face of love". obviously the couples that have different beliefs and are making it could agree on one thing and that was how "unimportant it is and insignificant in the face of love" this topic is...but we disagree on those points as well.
you are kind, compassionate, giving, caring, forgiving, loving, strong, talented and so smart. you are a pool of knowledge. a walking encyclopedia. you are the love of my life. we have a song. we picked a ring. we have goals, plans, and dreams for our future. plans to save the world, one starving baby at a time. plans for our honeymoon. plans for our childrens names. we have laughed and loved like i never have before. and now we have lots of memories. i love you. so much.
so through my tears i tell you, i see no options
except the one where i choose God.
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