i think ill try n pick a song every time i post...we'll see what happens.
i should have never put off blogging for this long. its like ive gone so long and have so much to tell you i dont even know where to start.
first things first... last sunday we went to church and God was talking to me louder than he ever has before. or i was actually finally listening. it was a really emotional day trying to understand what he was telling me. one big thing was: ade felt it on her heart to tell me that i need to forgive myself and not beat myself up and that God is not counting my wrongs. when she said it i had no idea what that was supposed to mean. but after some reflection i stepped back and thought about my life over the last few months and realized just how hard i was being on myself. not a little bit. ive been telling myself for 6 months now that i dont deserve love and that i will never get married. ive been telling everyone i was made to me an aunt and not a mother. and anyone that knows me knows that all i have ever wanted to do in life is have babies and take care of them. life is crazy. ((bill currington: god is great. beer is good. and people are crazy)) so true. we can be so judgmental and hard on others and on ourselves. i hurt someone i care deeply about and my best solution was to push him away so i didnt have to face my mistakes. the best thing i can say now is i am human and i am sorry and i am trying to find out where to go from here. one day at a time.
one day at a time.
gah thats a hard concept. i was telling adrienne my biggest problem is letting go and letting god. i struggle so badly with letting god take over and be in control and ade said something that really moved me
"you mean its hard for you to let the creator of the universe be in control?"
well when you say it like that i feel like an idiot. it should be the easiest thing for us to do to hand everything over to god and let him work on his master plan. but like i said. im human. and im trying. the best i can say is im trying. i know in my heart of hearts that before i can love someone else i first have to love myself. ade is also teaching me that i should love god above all else and that i should put him first and i should want that in my husband. i should want him to love god above anything else and the rest will happen on its own. trust god. sheesh. why is that so hard? i am understanding why i have issues trusting humans, cuz humans suck (no offense, god) but ok, seriously. free will kinda sucks. when people choose to hurt other people. i think my mom is such a warm and nurturing person and she raised me honestly believing that people are good and to always see the best in everyone (and im not mad at you for doing that, momma) but its hard because you let your guard down and you are going to get hurt. but you cant live life in a hole without human interaction....well i guess you could?? but trusting the god of the universe that made us all in his image should not be a difficult task. oh and as far as my trust issues in humans go. i mean, i blame yall.... people loved me and left me early on so i got tough. and here we are. i turned the tables. i dont wanna be weak. i dont wanna be the one thats left alone and crying. so i do the leaving. i push and push until you have no choice but to leave. and once youve left i realize what ive done all over again. i continue to push the ones that dont leave on their own. what a hard thing to admit. ((no excuses, play like a champion))...i cant blame everyone thats hurt me for my hurting the people i care about now. but its an easy way out. im human. im trying.
humiliation is a strange thing.
and lately god has been forcing me to be humiliated. but i need to appreciate the humbling experience he has in mind for me. there is a reason he wanted me to tell adrienne the things we discussed tonight. and i didnt know and wouldnt have known that unless i just listened to him and told her. difficult to admit our stupidity but necessary. admitting i've done things to get attention is up there with the most difficult things ive ever done. crazy right? we are such proud people. and stubborn.
i feel like i am rambling. and even though i never went through the monday-friday of the week this covers a large majority of it.
i will say i was so grateful to have those conversations i told you about last week and this week i was able to put them into play. it all comes together when youve left for a sabbatical and when you stop and listen to god and when youre least expecting it. just understanding that god has an amazing plan for my life is something i should be glad to accept. so im working on it.
one day at a time, world wide web. one day at a time.
