on death

someday i will blog on life, breath, happiness, yellow sunshines, and the gift of the present day. but not today. today is on death. because frankly its all i see. 

now to say it is ALL I SEE is dramatic. yes im admitting to being dramatic. admitting you have a problem is the first step, right?

less than a week ago i found out about a great friend taking his own life. and an even greater friend losing his sweet sweet brother. (RIP Kyle)

then today i woke up to 6 missed calls and several texts from friends in tulsa. my heart sank. i knew something was wrong. and it was. IT IS. it is so wrong.

now lets time travel for a minute...

its mid august 1995. im introduced to who i would later know as the most amazing teacher God could have ever blessed me with, Miss Nally. Oh the light of my 5 year old life. she was a dream come true. the sweetest, most caring woman (besides my mother, of course) to have ever walked the planet. she lit up a room. so then began my obsession with rainbows. it must have been the joy miss nally gave me that made me only want to draw rainbows for the entire 1995-1996 school year. whatever it was, it made me happy. know what (who) else made me happy that year and continued to do so for many years to come? 

cliff maxwell maxamillion cameron...errr thats what i called him :)

ooo clifff, i would say. to which he would respond with an 'oooo babs' (his nickname for me from my first name-barbara)

when he walked onto the playground my baby 5 year old heart went soaring to a place i had never felt it go before. oh the joy of your first love. he was tall and skinny. (as tall as you can be in kindergarten) i had to look up at him from where i stood. he was the cutest 5 year old i knew. and so began our innocent love affair and sweet sweet friendship from the early age of 5.

now back to present day... as much as id rather stay in 1995.

as i sat on my sisters couch crying and pondering life i watched my 4 yr old nephew, eli, playing in 2 boxes hes used to create a house. better than all the toys in their home, by far! such a simple life. wake up, eat, play, nap, play some more, and love everyone around you. i was a year older than eli and not nearly as smart when i spotted max and picked him to be my boyfriend.

  

this is eli and sophie a year ago. i was sophie. max was my eli. and i pray for eli and sophies sake that they never lose the other ones friendship. they will forever have the memories they are creating now.

life is funny. when people pass away its funny that all of the sudden they become the sweetest most amazing human you ever knew. but with max, it didnt happen when i found out that he had gone to heaven. the realization that max was truly one of the most high spirited, happy, sweet, hilarious, genuine guys ive ever met...well that realization was one that came to me every time he walked into a room, every time his name popped up on my newsfeed, anytime i saw him between classes (in elementary school, middle school, and high school), or over holiday breaks in tulsa. 

just any. time.

life is the most delicate thing we have. sweet sweet max was driving with some buddies at the lake in arkansas. it just happens so fast. and its not the death i fear for myself. its the loss of life in the people near to me. its detrimental. how many people have been so truly touched by max's life? how many people are in bed crying like i am tonight for the life lost? when was the last time he talked to his mommy? his sister? his brothers? its a crazy love we hold for family. i cant even begin to fathom losing a sibling or worse, a child. so much so that today, in this moment, i dont want children. merely for the fact and the fear that the risk of losing them is greater than my desire to have them.

"im not crying cause i feel so sorry for you, [max]. im crying for me."-toby kieth

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHZCAcSh7ls

the first call i made after i heard the news was to you. i called you, max. i wanted to hear your voice. such a sweet distinct voice. and oh so goofy at times :) when you lost your dad our senior year i didnt know how to help you. i couldnt imagine that pain. i had my dad and didnt know the words to give you to make the pain go away. all i could do was hug you. you gave the best hugs. even when i was trying to comfort you, little did you know, you were comforting me. and when i lost my dad you were there to comfort. 

that message was sent from max to me two days after my dad passed away. he said the words so eloquently. he said the words im looking for now when talking to his family. i shared this message with them and they have asked if they could read it at the service tonight...his celebration of life. im so glad that this message from my sweet friend that once gave me so much comfort can come full circle and give his own family comfort. max cameron. you are a good man. we loved you saturday. you love you now and we will love you tomorrow and will never stop loving you.

weve been through a lot. i miss you cliff. and ill continue to miss you until i get to see you again.

love you cameron family.

all the love in the world,
babs

ode to kyle

this is an excerpt from my blog on January 30, 2011...

convo two: another friend i met in mexico but hes a precious canadian kid. ive actually stayed in touch with his bro more than him, but we had an awesome chat last night. he said some things i was so glad to hear. we talked about relationships and about pain and the way people handle stressful situations. we talked about how catastrophic some situations can be to some people. he said 

**"it is a scary thing, that a penny can derail thousands of tons of locomotive."** 

and he said "Managing change is the least possessed characteristic." take that in, chew on it...he was also helping me realize that you cant compare peoples pain. the worst day of my life might seem minuscule to the next and monumental to someone else. i was judging someone for the way they handled situations and thinking "was that really the worst day of your life?" cuz i know that dec 13, 2006 was probably the worst day of my life. the day my dad had a massive heart attack and died a month after having a full physical. i also know some other people who have lost children or best friends or spouses in horrific ways so it became easy for me to scoff when people use the phrase "worst day of my life," but this talk last night really helped me see that one person's pain cannot be compared to another.

what a great night of amazing talks with two friends. i thank God for putting these guys in my life and opening my eyes to some things that i did not think of until they brought it to my attention. and paul and kyle, if you are reading this, thank you. for today, you have inspired me. 

What is so crazy about my conversation with Kyle that cold night in Colorado via facebook is I feel I was leaning on him!!! AND HE LET ME, when he was hurting so badly. But that was his point. He honestly did not feel that his pain of losing Mark in the house fire that he made it out of was greater than my heartache. His pain was so great that he is no longer here on earth with us. He could not bare to live with the pain that he felt. We hadn't talked in years and he opened up to me more than some of my closest friends ever will. He taught me such great and valuable lessons about life and how to never compare ones pain to another. He told me about sitting in counseling multiple times a week with people who he had to consciously remind himself not to think "thats way worse than what I am going through." If I had a penny for every time I have shared this wisdom that Kyle so graciously gave to me I would be a rich woman.

I will never forget the conversation we had in January. You changed my perspective on life and gave me a better understanding of others pain. O Kyle, if only I could have helped you heal the way you helped me. So with tear filled eyes I will tell you...I am eternally grateful for the wisdom you have shared with me. Your warmth, laughter, smile, and spirit will never be forgotten. And I know Jordan (canada boy) and I will remain friends for many years to come (just like you wanted!!!) I love you Big Red.
love, your Oklahoma girl

http://www.facebook.com/notes/nathan-fairbairn/eulogy-for-kyle-alexander-schroter/10150236438366054girl