October 23, 2012

We arrived in Kathmandu, Nepal on Thursday October 18 late in the evening after 27 hours of travel. Denek was my flight attendant from the czech republic... Next time you fly Emirates look out for him! he is the best!!! We had reservations to stay at a little motel, but a day before we arrived we were told the owners are communists and it could cause political problems for our group so we had to find another hotel to stay at. Our host made reservations for us to stay in a 5 star hotel. So here we are, on a mission trip, serving children in an orphanage and women who are walking for days over mountains to get to us just to hear about the Word and sing and worship and praise God, but we are staying in a 5 star hotel. Even though a 5 star hotel in Nepal is like a 2 or 3 star hotel in the states... We have a shower with hot water, a western toilet, nice comfy beds with (fairly) clean linens and big comfy pillows. A flat screen TV!!! What in the world. I know I can speak for my roommate and I when I say we felt guilty. It didn't exactly feel like we were in a foreign country "roughing it" on a mission trip.

Friday was VBS in Kathmandu. Vacation Bible School for all the kids from the orphanage and any other children that showed up. There are 67 that live in the orphanage and about 45 others showed up from all over the city. They were so stinking cute. Anyone that says they don't choose favorites is LYING!!!!! His name is Prashant and he is 6 years old. Holy sweet face, batman. We had a western theme so the other girls were wearing giant foam cowboy hats and bandanas and sheriff badges singing about horses and saying "Howdy" and "Yee Haw" telling the kids all about Texas, where we traveled from to come see them and play with them. We did arts and crafts with them and they made western picture frames and I printed photos of them from a portable printer that I brought. They were so excited to have a picture of themselves. It really is the little things... I think it is something they will treasure for a long long time. They colored pictures and we taught them about the story of Moses. They learned about Miriam and The Pharaoh. They are little sponges. They just soak up every bit of knowledge we share with them. I cannot wait to share pictures of their sweet little brown faces.

Saturday is church day... Oh and i saw Will Simcoe, childhood friend. After 8 years. In Nepal. Crazy!!!

Sunday was the women's conference.

Monday I took the most beautiful flight I've ever been on... From Kathmandu to Nepalganj then a 4 hour jeep ride to Surket.

Gumi needs its own blog post... Better post while I have a second of Internet.

 

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Em Er Ritz

Emirates.

Em. Er. Rah. Tees.


That's not how you say it..

Emirates. Em-Er-Ritz

14 hours and 45 minutes traveling east bound from Dallas Texas to Dubai.

Up until the arrival at the airport I was about ready to throw in the towel.

Was I ready to travel again? Yes. Was I ready to take pictures of kiddos and witness women spreading the Word of God? Yes. I am eager for all of those things and feel so blessed to see yet another beautiful place(s) on Gods green earth. But it wasn't until I boarded the plane that I felt true excitement. Finally. There it is. I've been looking for you. My enthusiasm had left me. That never happens. My enthusiasm suffocates people. My happiness and excitement for life suffocates people. And I had lost it for a brief moment. Not to fret.

She has returned to me.

I am so excited!! I am excited to be on this plane for 15 hours. I'm excited to take a bus or walk to another terminal in Dubai. I'm excited to wait in Dubai for 3 more hours. I'm excited to fly from Dubai to Nepal. (5 hours). I'm excited to see the city if Kathmandu. I'm excited to see you, Will Simcoe, my childhood friends since the age of 8. I'm excited for bobby bear to see another country. I'm excited to work. I am excited to fall in love with 100+ kiddos at the orphanage. I am excited to try and smuggle my favorite little boy home. I. Am. Excited.

 

Thanks Emirates. You had my enthusiasm sitting right here in 33G. I'm just glad I found her.

 

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Peace beyond Understanding

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phil. 4:6-7

Boom.

So there you have it.

I'm going to Nepal in two days. My blog is called Sabbatical freakin Sally for crying out loud. I should be excited right?! This trip has been planned for 18+ months. It was supposed to be last October then was postponed. The anticipation has been insurmountable. I started counting down from 80 something days. Tons of family and friends have donated hundreds of dollars to make this possible. I raised over $3,800 all because everyone knows this is my dream. To travel the world and take pictures and bring awareness through my images. So why now. Why this? 2 days shy of finally going...

And I don't want to go.

Cold feet maybe? I've told people to look out for my blog posts from the trip... I'm sure this isn't what they're expecting. Hell.... It's not what I was expecting! I have no idea where this... Anxiety? Came from? If that's even what it is? I have traveled across the world by myself. I wasn't even doing any good... Except some good ol fashion soul searching, surfing, exploring, and meeting new people. I wasn't doing humanitarian photography. I wasn't capturing images to help bring awareness. I wasn't feeding hungry babies. I was just playing. This trip is everything I want. I leave in two days and its all I can ever talk about dreaming of doing. I will literally be living out my dreams.

And I don't want to go.

And so here I am standing before you, God. Help me. I need this trip. It will be a life changing trip. A new chapter. The beginning of what I want my photography to be. Capturing weddings is great but am I really changing the world? I want to make a difference. I want people to be moved by my images. I want to show people what is going on on the other side of the globe. Help me. Give me peace beyond understanding. Relieve my anxiety/fear/stresses. Help me. Flight leaves for Nepal in 1 day. 10 hours. 32 minutes... So anytime now would be great, God. Thanks!

Peace beyond understanding, World Wide Web. That's not too much to ask for is it?

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the hunger games

EEEEEFFFFFFFF the hunger games.

im sorry but what. the. hell.

seriously? all this hype and commotion over the books and movie so i finally watch the movie with a group of friends in the bahamas last week and i think ive been boiling ever since. every facebook status that mentions its makes me want to throw someone off a cliff (or use a bow and arrow on them)

okay first i will say... yes. it was entertaining. and thats the idea right? we watch movies for entertainment. we all sit on a couch with blankets and popcorn and put movies in the VCR, DVD player, Blu Ray, whatever the hell and you sit and stare at a screen for 2 hours for entertainment. its great. i love movies.

but what. the. hell.

and how do we know when that entertainment becomes violence? wheres the line? who shouldnt watch movies for entertainment? who might get crazy ideas and just run with them?

first...lets back up. if you live on planet earth you probably heard about the "Batman Massacre" and for any of you that hide from the news better than me ((not likely))...

click here

I'll just touch this topic briefly... I am pissed at James Holmes. What a dick. He freakin sucks. I refused to go see The Dark Knight Rises because of him. I wont see it in the theater. I know it sounds silly. it already happened. what are the odds if i go see it today someone is going to copycat james holmes? not likely right?? but Im terrified. I'm not a scared person. I am not afraid of death. but i am afraid of james holmes. I look forward to going to Heaven when my time comes and being with my daddy again. but what the hell bro? who does that? this crazy thing called life... its supposed to be precious. and then there are lunatics like james holmes out there just walking into movie theaters and calling themselves the JOKER??? whatttttt??? was that really "their time". i dont think i can really say that i think ya...thats life. and those 12 people were supposed to die that night in that midnight viewing of batman. i cant even begin to really get across how this makes me feel.

but to connect the batman massacre to the hunger games bullshit for you...

we have people loading up with hundreds of rounds of amo walking into theaters and temples just killing people for the hell of it... our life... our world. its crazy, Life is fleeting. people get sick with cancer and die. and there isnt anything we can do about it. but what about the people that are going to do those terrible things to others... is there really anything we can do? God gave us all free will right? 

HOW ABOUT START BY NOT WRITING BOOKS AND MOVIES ABOUT KILLING PEOPLE FOR FUN? what a concept right???

honestly i was DISGUSTED by hunger games. parts in the movie where they are cheering the kids on to kill other kids. its insane. and sure you might say "its just a movie" or "just a story" but when does it become NOT just a movie? when someone walks into a theater guns a' blazing saying hes the "joker" after dying his hair red???????

i used to laugh when our parents and teachers would say that our video games and tv shows and movies made us have violent thoughts and bla bla bla. its not the first time and wont be the last that ill look back and say "okay mom, you were probably pretty dead on. i now know why you didnt want me playing mortal combat 4 and knocking peoples heads off for hours on end"

didnt you hear about the 16 year old who KILLED HIS MOM and shot his dad? after they took away his halo 3???

I dont know what to do to make this shit stop. but we should. there are kids in... forget africa... in your town right now starving to death or wishing they had a mother to tuck them in at night or hug them or send them to school or give them shoes to wear but the rest of us are worrying about hunger games and halo 3. eeeeeef that.

woo saa world wide web. woo saaa.

venting valerie. over n out.

kisses from katie

im on page 58 and im sold. all the feelings i felt in the summer of 2006 came rushing back to me.

im going to africa.

i dont know when exactly. or where im gonna stay. or if i will know anyone. or how i will pay for it.

but i know God will provide.

baa baa black sheep.

I got a tattoo. 

Its not my first, or second, or even third. It's my fourth. My fourth tattoo and shit is hitting the fan. 

i think they are just sharing their opinions with me on the matter whether they were asked to voice them or not. they are entitled to their opinions, but what i dont agree with is the judgmental attitude in which it is being shared.

I've heard it all

"Jackass"

"Dumbass"

"Idiot"

"Do you realize how unprofessional it makes you look?"

my photography clients dont mind, my bar customers dont mind, my current employers strive for originality and desire eclectic employees, and most importantly the babies in africa and all over the world that i will be feeding and helping and teaching and taking pictures of to help bring awareness definitely wont mind. and neither should you.

"The reality is years will pass and you will want to remove one or all of them"

if that time comes won't that be my problem and thousands of dollars i will need to deal with?

"[Getting a tattoo] isnt a logical play on your part"

you dont get tattoos to please others. obviously, i wouldnt have any of these if i was trying to please anyone else. and on the same note, you dont get tattoos to hurt others. tattoos are for yourself. they should mean something to you. something you have put a lot of time and thought into. something that you know will be on your body forever. something that represents who you are, who you want to be, what you love, what you represent. maybe to remind you of something or someone. whatever it may be. its for YOU.

  

"correct. not all those who wander are lost... only those who believe they need a tattoo as a reminder "that they're not lost" are actually lost.... But hey, sometimes you need to lose or "get lost" to find truth... So dont stress, for its only those who deny the truth that they are indeed lost, who should be concerned... Its okay to be lost, its not okay to be in denial..."

i must agree this was thought provoking and well said. but i disagree with the overall message. 

here Webster Dictionary defines 

lost  

[lɒst] adj

1. unable to be found or recovered

2. unable to find one's way or ascertain one's whereabouts

3. confused, bewildered, or helpless he is lost in discussions of theory

4. (sometimes foll by on) not utilized, noticed, or taken advantage of (by) rational arguments are lost on her

5. no longer possessed or existing because of defeat, misfortune, or the passage of time a lost art

6. destroyed physically the lost platoon

7. (foll by to) no longer available or open (to)

8. (foll by to) insensible or impervious (to a sense of shame, justice, etc.)

9. (foll by in) engrossed (in) he was lost in his book

10. morally fallen a lost woman

11. (Christian Religious Writings / Theology) damned a lost soul

So here I am... unprofessional, jackass, dumbass, idiot, illogical, lost and in denial, me.

i dont feel lost at all 

in all honesty I feel more "found" than I ever have in my life. I know what I love. I love where I live. I love what I do. I know what I want to do. I have a plan. I have goals. I want to travel. I am living out my dreams. I have amazing friends. I love the Lord. I know who I am and I am happy with myself.

everything in my life is

damn near perfect

everything except all thats ever been my everything up to this point in my life. when i didnt know what i loved, when i didnt love where i lived or what did, when i didnt know what i wanted to do, when i didnt have a plan or goals, when i wasnt traveling or living out my dreams, when i didnt have any friends, when i was lost and walking without God, when I didnt know who I was and was unhappy with who i saw in the mirror... my family was always there. through thick and thin. through ups and down. through every moment in my life. i have always had an amazing relationship with my family. i have never doubted them. they never waver. we have been through hell and back all while holding hands together. we have fallen and we have gotten up. we have lost. we have gained. we have fought. we have laughed. we have cried. we have smiled and frowned. we have been through EVERYTHING and we can handle ANYTHING.

so without that how could everything be perfect? how can life be anything without them?

why now? why this? is it all just about a tattoo? 

to me it has become much more...

i had to know going in that they would not be thrilled. just as they werent thrilled with the last 3 tattoos i sprung on them. being the only "idiot" in our immediate family with tattoos (with the exception of one sun located on my brothers back that he is now half way through removing) but i never expected the reactions i am getting from the people closest to me.

i know they all feel disappointed in me and my "bad decisions" but i also feel disappointed in them. and in their reactions. i didnt expect them to jump for joy. but i also didnt think i would see what i am seeing now.

i feel sad that appearance is the number one reason why they are turned off by my tattoo.

they dont care what my tattoo says or what it means to me. no one has asked why i got it or what it signifies.

in our culture there are people who are conservative and feel uncomfortable with tattoos and believe they are unnecessary, tacky, trashy, and the like.

thats my family. we're from oklahoma, not california. what do you expect?

i guess the bottom line is i got every single one of my tattoos for me and not anyone else and i shouldnt care what anyone thinks, but the truth is my family means a lot to me and feeling ostracized by them is not an enjoyable feeling. i suppose one could argue i wouldnt feel this way had i not gotten tattoos to begin with, knowing how they feel about them. but is that hardly a reason to not do something? because someone else might not like it?

i understand not doing something to respect your mother and father, but this is not something i see like that. i did not permanently ink myself to be disrepectful to my mom. its on my skin forever and i am 24 years old. i thought it was my decision to make for myself. i never thought it would be taken as hurtful towards her? i thought after 3 tattoos she would accept it.

my mom raised us inviting over every stranger that didnt have a place to be for easter, christmas, new years, and saint patricks day, for crying out loud. she loves everyone. she has a huge heart. she shares and cares. she would give her clothes off her back to help someone else. she is warm and generous. she loves. she trusts. she is a beautiful God fearing woman who has taught me to always have morals and high standards and strong principles. to always stand up for what you believe in. she has always been and will continue to be the strongest woman i know. i never saw weakness in her. i didnt think it existed. but we all have them. and i think my moms is...that she cares too much.

appearance is important to everyone. isnt it? we all care so much. dont we? but how much is too much?

is that who we are? is that what we stand for? judging others on their appearance? on whats on the outside? does it really matter?

 

if not judging others on their appearance makes me a black sheep...well, world wide web, so be it

I'm never having kids...

it was june 6, 2011 when i wrote this blog post...

http://sabbaticalsally.blogspot.com/2011/06/on-death.html

after 23 years of thinking i was put on this earth to become a mother, i up and decided that was not the case. the loss of a dear friend made me step back and question all i had come to think was my purpose on this crazy planet.

here we are nearly a year later. and where is my head?

maybe it doesnt matter.

im not married. i dont have a man in my life that i want to have children with. im not even dating anyone. ((not to say women cant have children on their own because they very well can and many do! and i may be one of them))

yet somehow this not having children bit crosses my mind almost every day.

you could ask my mom or sister how many times in the last 11 months they have heard me say "and thats another reason why im not having kids..." and they will roll their eyes and grunt and moan because if they hear me say that one more time they might strangle me.

it has become my anthem. my motto. my slogan. i sound like a broken down record. always giving excuses for why i cant/wont/shouldnt/dont want to have kids

but who do you know that doesnt want kids but talks about not having kids every freakin day?

people that dont want kids dont talk about not having kids or not wanting kids.

people that dont want kids dont talk about kids!!

you know what scares me? I was a terrible child. TERRIBLE. THE WORST! I threw temper tantrums. i screamed n cried and slammed doors. i always needed attention. i lied. i took out my moms 2 week old Mercedes at 15. i drank. i partied. i was wild. then i grew up some. picked a college where i got no scholarship. i dropped classes. i flunked some. i got tattoos. and somehow my parents still loved me and fed me. (well my dad was there up until the last few no-no's on the list so props to mom for handling those on her own)

im not listing all my bullshit for nothin. the point is... you dont just get away with things like that in life and not have some repercussions for your actions. i mean sure, i was grounded probably 2/3 of high school due to my stupid choices, but grounding? no tv, no phone, no car, no movies. at the time the punishment seemed atrocious. but did it fit the crime? the crime of a lifetime of miserable shit i put my parents through? I mean i have to imagine God has some other plans in mind to punish me. like giving me A GIRL when i get pregnant. a girl that throws temper tantrums, screams, cries, slams doors, needs constant attention, lies, takes out my brand new car and lets her underage friends drive, drinks, parties, and breaks the bank forcing me to use food stamps and collect unemployment.

what a huge pain in my ass.

so what youre telling me is Here I'm gonna have this thing that I love more than life itself. More than peanut butter or my black lab. More than Netflix. More than music. More than jumping in puddles. more than sleeping. more than macaroni and cheese. MORE THAN MY NEPHEWS AND NIECE... And they are going to say they hate me. They will treat me like crap some days. They will disobey me. They will lie to me. They will be unappreciative assholes. And all the while I will still love them immensely.

 and whats worst of all...

all the sudden life could decide my baby is going to get cancer. Or get hit by a bus. Or raped. Or abused. Someone is going to break their heart. Someone is going to lie to them. Someone is going to treat them badly.

And I can't protect them. 

im not scared backpacking by myself in indonesia or hitchhiking in australia but i am completely petrified, terrified, mortified to have children.

I know it's worth it. And that's why I'll still have the little bastards. But I won't sit back n say it's gonna be 20+ years of rainbows n butterflies. I'll go to Africa and fall in love with some sweet baby and decide that finally my desire to nurture and love this little monster has outweighed my fear. Someday. but right now, world wide web, right now im too busy thinking of all the reasons why i just cant make sense of it.

Dear Bikram Choudhury...

I'm pissed. I'm fuming. I'm livid. I'm bewildered. I'm shocked. I'm appalled. I'm beyond distraught.

None of these descriptions are any I have ever used after leaving my happy place: glorious bikram.

Normally when I leave Bikram Yoga at Mockingbird and Abrams in Dallas, Texas I am refreshed, rejuvenated, relaxed, joyous, cheerful, and on top of the world.

 Last night when I left Bikram Yoga in Mission Hills on Hancock Street in San Diego, California I was pissed, fuming, livid, bewildered, shocked, appalled, and beyond distraught.

Here's why...

the front desk girl was less than friendly in helping me get signed up as i was excited to be at a place i thought would become my favorite in all of san diego...

i then roamed aimlessly to find the locker room since the less than helpful front desk girl was in no mood to direct me or give me a tour of my new studio. once there i realized i had drank all my water on the way to class (good girl!!!) I freed my hands to go find the water fountain.

nope.

no water fountain.

okay. no big deal. next best thing. the sink in the womens locker room.

oh my water bottle doesnt fit under the spout? OH COME ON. of course. awesome.

woo saa.

okay. no big deal. grab a few bucks and go to the front desk. buy a bottled water.

hey less than warm and friendly front desk girl, how much is a bottled water?

"ummmm can you not see the prices???"

bitch, obviously i cant see the prices otherwise i wouldnt be asking you to read them aloud.

okay. heres a dollar.

"um, you dont want FIJI???"

no. i want to give you this $1 dollar bill and in exchange i would like you to hand me that large cold bottle of arrowhead spring water on the top shelf. thank you.

okay. its time. im good. ive got my water. im ready. im excited. im happy to be here.

finally. the moment ive been waiting for.

ahh the heat. ive missed you. it feels so goo.... CARPET?!?! EWW WHAT THE HELL? who has carpet in their bikram studios anymore? grosss o m g. it smells so bad in here. i cant believe they have carpet.

woo saa.

i told myself not to be perturbed when the 148 yr old tiny woman with arms and legs more frail than my ear lobe put her mat right next to mine even though there was no one on the other side of her.

i simply scooted my mat over. she smiled and told me she liked my colorful towel. okay thank you.

fine. on with class.

in comes "Hank" (names have been changed to protect the identity of the guilty)

Hank is wearing board shorts. and he is not fit.

thats fine. he doesnt need to be. im not looking at him anyway.

"focus one spot at yourself in the mirror"

ommm. breathing exercises. in through your nose and out through your mouth. happy place. happy place.

HEY JEANNE CALMENT!! QUIT SKIPPING AHEAD!!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeanne_Calment

Hank, this is where you say "okay. slow. stay with me, dont skip ahead, head back, six count, anddd elbows touch" TELL HER HANK!! TELL HER TO CHILL OUT!!

ugh why arent they listening to me? cant they hear my mental telepathy messages YELLING AT THEM?!?

WOO SAA.

okay. its fine. back bend to forward bend.

Bikram says "If you want to change your life do more back bends."

and forward bend... with your happy smiling faces. (hank didnt say it. but i still smiled)

What i love most about bikram is its 90 minutes of no thinking. i literally dont think at all. and for a female who over thinks every thing until i turn blue it is such a nice break in the day.

but in hanks class i thought through the whole thing.

i thought: lady scoot over. lady quit flailing your arms. lady im gonna break you in half. hank you should probably be doing this with us, just sayin. ladyyyyyyyy. hey guy in the back row, quit looking at me, ya i see you. these shorts keep riding up. its so annoying. i wish i wore those other boogie shorts. i wonder if lululemon has any new bikram shorts. her sports bra is really cute. i wonder where the closest lululemon is? i wish i had my book. i wish my book was on my ipod. ooo i wish i had my ipod.

86 minutes left.

THERE IS A CLOCK ON THE WALL. WHAT THE HELL. what kind of yoga place is this?

Why is there a clock??? so i can watch how painstakingly slow this class goes while old woman rivers over here thrashes her body around the room?

woo saa. focus. breathe. happy place.

okay floor series. half way. of course IT DIDNT HAVE TO BE FLOOR SERIES TO KNOW IM HALF WAY THROUGH CLASS THOUGH BECAUSE... THERE IS A FREAKING CLOCK ON THE WALL. ugh so annoying.

get through. get through elisa.

holy cow the carpet stinks down here. i cant even breathe. how can i keep my mouth closed and breathe through my nose? it smells so bad. oh i have a sinus infection too. ugh. i need kleenex. hey hank i need kleenex. oh. no kleenex. ya. of course not. okay. its hotter down here. is it hotter? is that possible? there have to be floor heaters? how can i let my heart rate slow if its hotter down here? its seriously hotter on the floor. what is going on?!?!

LADYYYY SLOW DOWN!!!

the light at the end of the tunnel. last few postures. thank God. i'm almost through class.

head to knee with stretching. i love this one. okay. cheer up. this is supposed to be your happy place elisa. its almost over. you got this.

and now. the moment ive been waiting for. the moment that will make the last 90 minutes all worth while. that one word that will make me forget everything i hated about this class. its all gonna be okay once hank says it. come on hank

"okay guys, great class. good job first timers. have a good night"

.....................................................

UMMM??? WHAT THE HELL???

.................. THATS ITS????

HANK??? you forgetting something????

NO NAMASTE???!!!!

this is unsat. 
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=unsat

what kind of yoga place is this? seriously? am i being punked? ashton? are you here? you took it too far. this isnt even funny.

yoga is supposed to be my thing. my zen. my happy. my cloud 9. my no thinking, just being.

my second class within the week is free and you know how we love our free shit. so im gonna go and pray for hanks sake that its a different yogi teaching and that they have gotten rid of the carpet and clock and installed a water fountain.

and if not i guess ill continue to do my research to find a new spot even though my first reaction was to start packing up the uhaul so i could go back to Bikram in Dallas. woo saa...

cross your fingers.

 oh and namaste*, world wide web.

tomorrow if a golden train came to take you away...

sabbatical sally here and happy to say I am getting all settled in nicely in san diego. i am loving every minute. the pups are happy. i am happy.

i had a friend come in town this past weekend and i made my first rendezvous up to anaheim to go to disneyland. it was such a fun filled day with friends, food, and roller coasters!!! i love roller coasters. dont you?!?!

life is kinda like one big roller coaster...

we have ups and downs and we never know whats coming next.

sometimes we are in dark tunnels and sometimes we feel like we are on top of the world. you can be all the way up there where you can see the view of the whole city at the perfect time right at sunset then when we least expect it... you can drop down as low as you can go in a split second. maybe even do a loopty loo... your stomach is in your throat. your whole world is tossed upside down.

but the highs make the lows all worth while.

i think life is about accepting the lows, learning from them and always appreciating the highs and realizing you cant stay up or down forever. 

and you, my dear, are my favorite roller coaster. whether you are here or there or hot or cold.

the highs make the lows all worth while.

here's to appreciating all that comes with the roller coaster we call life, world wide web

heartbreak hotel

lets get back on track, eh?

this blog was not intended to tell the world wide web every time some guy hurt my feelers.

SABBATICAL sally. back on track.

literally.

im restless. thats what i do. i live. i love. i laugh. then i relocate and repeat steps 1-3 (brian mcknight, anyone?) :)
 
Back to One-Brian McKnight  -flash back to 6th grade!! Shout out to cody ryan, my first boyfriend! sigh*

(.......adderall is wearing off)

what was i saying?

o right...

i have no time to be blogging my little heart out because....... i am MOVING.

yes. its the second time i have loaded all my belongings into a 6' x 12' U-Haul cargo trailer and dragged it behind my 4runner to head west bound.

but moving is a relative term for someone like sabbatical sally. san francisco lasted a whopping 8 months.

san diego has the potential to last 1 day (my mom wishes) or 100 years (God, please take me before i reach the ripe old age of 124!)

silly questions ive been getting:

why are you moving to san diego?

           -who doesnt want to live in san diego? next question please.

how long are you going to live there?

          -how often do you move somewhere with all your shit in a uhaul and think... "this will be fun for a few weeks/months?" dumb. 

takin it a day at a time.

and my personal favorite...

 

are you taking your dogs?

            -no, im actually dropping them off at the pound on my way out of town...WHATT?? if you were moving would it be a logical question for someone to ask you "are you taking your children?" very dumb. 

here is where i apologize to anyone that is reading this that has asked me any of those questions! :) sorry!! hehe

mmk... back to packing up my life in brown boxes. 

night night, world wide web.

give in to me. leighton meester and garrett hedlund.

i've been somewhat judgmental of people who are with one person when they want to be with someone else. I kept pointing my finger and shaking my head... and even getting angry about it. it really turns me off. i just never want to be the girl that someone is with because they can't be with the girl they really wanna be with. How sad for all parties involved. this poor girl thinks she has an awesome boyfriend who is completely devoted to her, but actually he's just using her to suppress memories of the girl he wishes he was with? and hell, who knows. maybe shes doing it to him, too. so its a fake relationship based on being with the next best thing??

so while I was thinking about all that I stepped back and realized...

I was doing it, too.

It's real easy to get caught in a similar situation... The guy you want to be with is unavailable for one reason or the other (probably bc he is still hooked on his last girl) so you end up hanging out with someone else and all the sudden they have feelings for you and you're still thinking about mr. unavailable and here you are in the same predicament that you've been judging others for. So here's what I've decided.

My heart is set on you
I don’t want no one else
And if you don’t want me
I guess I’ll be all by myself

might seem silly to some people that you would just choose to be alone if you can't have the one you want but to me it makes perfect sense. Why would you continue this never ending cycle of hurting yourself and those around you when you could be the bigger person and just decide to deal with your shit on our own. can you not be alone? I'm not gonna bring someone else into this mess.

I know what I want. I know I can't have it. So I'll sit here and sulk for a minute then I'll get up and go to yoga and get on with my life. I'm not saying you should be alone forever. I'm just saying that I don't wanna be with anyone else until they make me feel as good as I did with him.

Giddy. Racing heart. Butterflies. Smile til it hurts.... I deserve that.

And the guy I'm with deserves for me to feel that way about him. and he should feel that way about me. And so. Until I find that "I guess I'll be all by myself"

this might seem dramatic or extreme, especially for the certain circumstance i am in. i mean i dont even think you could call it dating. and maybe i never even wanted him to be my boyfriend. and maybe hes not my dream guy. all i know is that the feeling that i get when i am with him, think about him, get a call/text from him...

that. is. wonderful.

and i dont know what it is about him that made me feel that way. but whatever it is. its addicting. and i want it. so if im gonna be with anyone- i want them to make me feel like that- i dont wanna live my life in a mediocre relationship with someone i think is nice and funny but doesnt give me butterflies when he walks into a room.

maybe i didnt believe in that feeling before, but now that i know it exists im not giving in til i have it.

 how bout them apples, world wide web?

Okay, OKAY! I hear you!!

I was taking a before bed shower, listening to a random mix of country music on shuffle from my iPhone. I happened to be singing along (seeing as how I have heard all those songs about 100x since they are on my iPhone) even though I wasnt all there mentally. Im not sure why but for some reason my head just wasnt all there. Then suddenly I realized I was about 1/2 way through a song I love. By Eli Young Band! Love them! I started singing it louder. And louder. Then I paid attention to the lyrics... Then...I froze.




You've got a heart that's broken and a will that's given up
A cynical mind and a soul that's worn and rough
You're a fighter, no one can get the best of you
Don't let 'em stay too close, that's why you play every man for a fool

I don't care, you can live your life alone
Was only tryin' to show you how to love again
Tried and tried to chip away your heart of stone
Was only tryin' to show you how to love again

How are you gonna fall if you don't take that leap
You live in fear, fear of lovin' me
And I'm givin' up, I'm givin' up on you
Because you'll never change and
Givin' your heart away is one thing you won't do

I don't care, you can live your life alone
Was only tryin' to show you how to love again
Tried and tried to chip away your heart of stone
was only tryin' to show you how to love again
love again.....

I don't care, you can live your life alone
Was only tryin' to show you how to love again
Tried and tried to chip away your heart of stone
Was only tryin' to show you how to love again
Love again.......


Signing out, world wide web.

-heart of stone

on marriage

watched definitely, maybe last night. I forgot how much I love April in that movie. I love everything she says.


I think I feel like this...

"You're asking me to give up my freedom, my joie de vivre for an institution that fails as often as it succeeds? And why should I marry you, anyway? I mean, why do you wanna marry me? Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfill an ideal that society embeds in us from an early age to promote a consumer capitalist agenda?"
 
But if someone said this...

"I wanna marry you because you're the first person I wanna look at when I wake up in the morning, and the only one I wanna kiss goodnight. Because the first time that I saw these hands, I couldn't imagine not being able to hold them. But mainly, when you love someone as much as I love you, getting married is the only thing left to do. So, will you, um, marry me?"

then maybe I would reconsider

but thats what these movies have done to us. theyve made us think that that exists. and maybe it does.

but maybe...maybe you just

"Forget about the real deal. You don't find it. It finds you. You get to a certain age and then you're ready. You know, you're ready for kids, or commitment, or a mortgage. And the person that you're with then...they become the one."