baa baa black sheep.

I got a tattoo. 

Its not my first, or second, or even third. It's my fourth. My fourth tattoo and shit is hitting the fan. 

i think they are just sharing their opinions with me on the matter whether they were asked to voice them or not. they are entitled to their opinions, but what i dont agree with is the judgmental attitude in which it is being shared.

I've heard it all

"Jackass"

"Dumbass"

"Idiot"

"Do you realize how unprofessional it makes you look?"

my photography clients dont mind, my bar customers dont mind, my current employers strive for originality and desire eclectic employees, and most importantly the babies in africa and all over the world that i will be feeding and helping and teaching and taking pictures of to help bring awareness definitely wont mind. and neither should you.

"The reality is years will pass and you will want to remove one or all of them"

if that time comes won't that be my problem and thousands of dollars i will need to deal with?

"[Getting a tattoo] isnt a logical play on your part"

you dont get tattoos to please others. obviously, i wouldnt have any of these if i was trying to please anyone else. and on the same note, you dont get tattoos to hurt others. tattoos are for yourself. they should mean something to you. something you have put a lot of time and thought into. something that you know will be on your body forever. something that represents who you are, who you want to be, what you love, what you represent. maybe to remind you of something or someone. whatever it may be. its for YOU.

  

"correct. not all those who wander are lost... only those who believe they need a tattoo as a reminder "that they're not lost" are actually lost.... But hey, sometimes you need to lose or "get lost" to find truth... So dont stress, for its only those who deny the truth that they are indeed lost, who should be concerned... Its okay to be lost, its not okay to be in denial..."

i must agree this was thought provoking and well said. but i disagree with the overall message. 

here Webster Dictionary defines 

lost  

[lɒst] adj

1. unable to be found or recovered

2. unable to find one's way or ascertain one's whereabouts

3. confused, bewildered, or helpless he is lost in discussions of theory

4. (sometimes foll by on) not utilized, noticed, or taken advantage of (by) rational arguments are lost on her

5. no longer possessed or existing because of defeat, misfortune, or the passage of time a lost art

6. destroyed physically the lost platoon

7. (foll by to) no longer available or open (to)

8. (foll by to) insensible or impervious (to a sense of shame, justice, etc.)

9. (foll by in) engrossed (in) he was lost in his book

10. morally fallen a lost woman

11. (Christian Religious Writings / Theology) damned a lost soul

So here I am... unprofessional, jackass, dumbass, idiot, illogical, lost and in denial, me.

i dont feel lost at all 

in all honesty I feel more "found" than I ever have in my life. I know what I love. I love where I live. I love what I do. I know what I want to do. I have a plan. I have goals. I want to travel. I am living out my dreams. I have amazing friends. I love the Lord. I know who I am and I am happy with myself.

everything in my life is

damn near perfect

everything except all thats ever been my everything up to this point in my life. when i didnt know what i loved, when i didnt love where i lived or what did, when i didnt know what i wanted to do, when i didnt have a plan or goals, when i wasnt traveling or living out my dreams, when i didnt have any friends, when i was lost and walking without God, when I didnt know who I was and was unhappy with who i saw in the mirror... my family was always there. through thick and thin. through ups and down. through every moment in my life. i have always had an amazing relationship with my family. i have never doubted them. they never waver. we have been through hell and back all while holding hands together. we have fallen and we have gotten up. we have lost. we have gained. we have fought. we have laughed. we have cried. we have smiled and frowned. we have been through EVERYTHING and we can handle ANYTHING.

so without that how could everything be perfect? how can life be anything without them?

why now? why this? is it all just about a tattoo? 

to me it has become much more...

i had to know going in that they would not be thrilled. just as they werent thrilled with the last 3 tattoos i sprung on them. being the only "idiot" in our immediate family with tattoos (with the exception of one sun located on my brothers back that he is now half way through removing) but i never expected the reactions i am getting from the people closest to me.

i know they all feel disappointed in me and my "bad decisions" but i also feel disappointed in them. and in their reactions. i didnt expect them to jump for joy. but i also didnt think i would see what i am seeing now.

i feel sad that appearance is the number one reason why they are turned off by my tattoo.

they dont care what my tattoo says or what it means to me. no one has asked why i got it or what it signifies.

in our culture there are people who are conservative and feel uncomfortable with tattoos and believe they are unnecessary, tacky, trashy, and the like.

thats my family. we're from oklahoma, not california. what do you expect?

i guess the bottom line is i got every single one of my tattoos for me and not anyone else and i shouldnt care what anyone thinks, but the truth is my family means a lot to me and feeling ostracized by them is not an enjoyable feeling. i suppose one could argue i wouldnt feel this way had i not gotten tattoos to begin with, knowing how they feel about them. but is that hardly a reason to not do something? because someone else might not like it?

i understand not doing something to respect your mother and father, but this is not something i see like that. i did not permanently ink myself to be disrepectful to my mom. its on my skin forever and i am 24 years old. i thought it was my decision to make for myself. i never thought it would be taken as hurtful towards her? i thought after 3 tattoos she would accept it.

my mom raised us inviting over every stranger that didnt have a place to be for easter, christmas, new years, and saint patricks day, for crying out loud. she loves everyone. she has a huge heart. she shares and cares. she would give her clothes off her back to help someone else. she is warm and generous. she loves. she trusts. she is a beautiful God fearing woman who has taught me to always have morals and high standards and strong principles. to always stand up for what you believe in. she has always been and will continue to be the strongest woman i know. i never saw weakness in her. i didnt think it existed. but we all have them. and i think my moms is...that she cares too much.

appearance is important to everyone. isnt it? we all care so much. dont we? but how much is too much?

is that who we are? is that what we stand for? judging others on their appearance? on whats on the outside? does it really matter?

 

if not judging others on their appearance makes me a black sheep...well, world wide web, so be it

I'm never having kids...

it was june 6, 2011 when i wrote this blog post...

http://sabbaticalsally.blogspot.com/2011/06/on-death.html

after 23 years of thinking i was put on this earth to become a mother, i up and decided that was not the case. the loss of a dear friend made me step back and question all i had come to think was my purpose on this crazy planet.

here we are nearly a year later. and where is my head?

maybe it doesnt matter.

im not married. i dont have a man in my life that i want to have children with. im not even dating anyone. ((not to say women cant have children on their own because they very well can and many do! and i may be one of them))

yet somehow this not having children bit crosses my mind almost every day.

you could ask my mom or sister how many times in the last 11 months they have heard me say "and thats another reason why im not having kids..." and they will roll their eyes and grunt and moan because if they hear me say that one more time they might strangle me.

it has become my anthem. my motto. my slogan. i sound like a broken down record. always giving excuses for why i cant/wont/shouldnt/dont want to have kids

but who do you know that doesnt want kids but talks about not having kids every freakin day?

people that dont want kids dont talk about not having kids or not wanting kids.

people that dont want kids dont talk about kids!!

you know what scares me? I was a terrible child. TERRIBLE. THE WORST! I threw temper tantrums. i screamed n cried and slammed doors. i always needed attention. i lied. i took out my moms 2 week old Mercedes at 15. i drank. i partied. i was wild. then i grew up some. picked a college where i got no scholarship. i dropped classes. i flunked some. i got tattoos. and somehow my parents still loved me and fed me. (well my dad was there up until the last few no-no's on the list so props to mom for handling those on her own)

im not listing all my bullshit for nothin. the point is... you dont just get away with things like that in life and not have some repercussions for your actions. i mean sure, i was grounded probably 2/3 of high school due to my stupid choices, but grounding? no tv, no phone, no car, no movies. at the time the punishment seemed atrocious. but did it fit the crime? the crime of a lifetime of miserable shit i put my parents through? I mean i have to imagine God has some other plans in mind to punish me. like giving me A GIRL when i get pregnant. a girl that throws temper tantrums, screams, cries, slams doors, needs constant attention, lies, takes out my brand new car and lets her underage friends drive, drinks, parties, and breaks the bank forcing me to use food stamps and collect unemployment.

what a huge pain in my ass.

so what youre telling me is Here I'm gonna have this thing that I love more than life itself. More than peanut butter or my black lab. More than Netflix. More than music. More than jumping in puddles. more than sleeping. more than macaroni and cheese. MORE THAN MY NEPHEWS AND NIECE... And they are going to say they hate me. They will treat me like crap some days. They will disobey me. They will lie to me. They will be unappreciative assholes. And all the while I will still love them immensely.

 and whats worst of all...

all the sudden life could decide my baby is going to get cancer. Or get hit by a bus. Or raped. Or abused. Someone is going to break their heart. Someone is going to lie to them. Someone is going to treat them badly.

And I can't protect them. 

im not scared backpacking by myself in indonesia or hitchhiking in australia but i am completely petrified, terrified, mortified to have children.

I know it's worth it. And that's why I'll still have the little bastards. But I won't sit back n say it's gonna be 20+ years of rainbows n butterflies. I'll go to Africa and fall in love with some sweet baby and decide that finally my desire to nurture and love this little monster has outweighed my fear. Someday. but right now, world wide web, right now im too busy thinking of all the reasons why i just cant make sense of it.