#firstworldproblems

I hate feeling ungrateful. I have an amazing life, family, friends, health, happiness. I have been given more in this life than any one person could ever deserve. My parents did and my mom continues to do everything for their 5 children. They give give give and we take take take. 

Last week I wrecked my car. It was no ones fault but my own. I was enjoying Jimmy Wayne singing to me after leaving girls night. I was the only one who didn't have a lick of alcohol. I had quit drinking 7.5 weeks prior. We colored in coloring books and giggled about silly nonsense and talked about more serious things in our lives. We ate n laughed n some of us cried. Some of us even fell asleep! (haha Saramay was tuckered out!) I glanced at the radio to turn up the volume and when I looked back up I saw a cement wall and a sharp turn thats nearly a U-Turn on La Jolla Colony Dr. It was too late for poor Handsome. I slammed on my breaks and tried to over correct, but I hit the wall and rolled 2.5 times. I woke up a few seconds later and Jimmy Wayne was still singing to me, that's how quit it all happened, only this time I wasn't singing along. I was hanging on my side from my trusty lap and shoulder belt crying hysterically. Not from anything but the shock of it all. Thanks for seatbelts, world. High Five. Mine and my wonderful tough 4Runner surely saved my life. With a bit of credit to God as well. I like to think He has some serious plans for my life. 

But doesn't that mean I should have jumped out of the car and ran to go do whatever it is He is calling me to do????!!!!

Here I am fighting with insurance for more money on my car, and thinking about what to do and all my options. Last week I was about 85% sure I wanted to buy not only 1, but 2 cars. I have wanted a vintage bronco for a few years now, but its not a practical car. Its not something you can drive every day. Its for the beach and fun. Its a toy. and that would be great n all, but here I am telling my mom I don't want a wedding because I would rather the $200,000 or whatever it may be to go towards building an orphanage and taking a trip with my husband and seeing the world and saving lives and making a real difference and bring awareness through my photos. but now I am being handed a check for nearly $22,000 and instead of doing anything for anyone else I want to buy 2 cars?!? 

No.

I need to quit talking and do. I need to quit saying I want to travel the world and bring awareness through my photography then not do anything about it. Who can get me there? Who can I talk to? Who should I be reaching out to. Over and over and over until I get what I want!?? Life is short. I gotta start now.

2013: The Year of Health

Jan. 1, 2013

Its been 2.5 years since I have used the b word. It's never seemed so scary to me before. I also never found it so repulsive. It's funny what life's experiences and total assholes can do to skew your vision.

My dad used to always say "No one makes you cry... You make yourself cry!" I truly believe that to this day. I think we have a way of letting others upset us, but we have the power to decide how we handle and respond to certain circumstances. Will we let life knock us down when things get tough or will we get back on the horse?

I can honestly say I have grown more since July of 2010 than I ever have in another 2.5 year span in my life. I am happy with the woman I have become and the path I am on, but I wouldn't say I'm proud of every choice I made along the way.

2012 was monumental in a lot of ways. I made a huge move from Dallas (for the second time in my life), leaving behind my mom, my sister, my nephews... all to chase a dream. I wasn't leaving to run from anything... I was running towards something. Running towards San Diego... sunshine, the beach, friends, the promise of a new life, a better way of living... and I got it! I have the best friends anyone could ask for. I would compete in a "My friends are better than yours" competition any day of the week. We are always doing something! It is awesome. I am never bored. Any day of the week you can find me at a girls night, dinner with friends, rotating houses cooking dinners, roomie nights, movie nights, game nights, Taco Tuesdays... Almost every weekend we ride bikes up and down the boardwalk by the beach, we go to brunch, we can go out on the town or stay in. We are always having a blast. Wherever you see us, we are laughing our asses off. I love it. I love my friends and I can't imagine going back to the life I had before them in Dallas. I don't think I realized how unhappy I was, until I realized how happy I am now.

But in the last year there was a part of me that wasn't happy. I wasn't making smart choices relationship wise. I was letting 2007, 2008, and 2009 keep dragging me down. I let their mistakes and our past affect my 2012. I made poor choices. Thats why I have name 2013 the year of health.

Healthy body, mind, spirit, soul, AND relationships! I am growing the f up and getting out of this nasty habit of allowing myself to get any less than every bit of what I deserve.

Here's to 2013.


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April 24, 2013

Update: I had this sitting as a draft in my posts and since then I have used the b word. Someone finally broke down my wall. Yep. Me. The Ice Queen... I had a boyfriend. and Yep. I am saying had. Past tense. I found someone great who wanted to treat me like a princess. and I followed all my rules. I let myself get everything I deserved. I do truly believe that he treated me like a princess and loved me in the short time we were together. But I supposed sometimes it takes more than that.