Dear Bikram Choudhury...

I'm pissed. I'm fuming. I'm livid. I'm bewildered. I'm shocked. I'm appalled. I'm beyond distraught.

None of these descriptions are any I have ever used after leaving my happy place: glorious bikram.

Normally when I leave Bikram Yoga at Mockingbird and Abrams in Dallas, Texas I am refreshed, rejuvenated, relaxed, joyous, cheerful, and on top of the world.

 Last night when I left Bikram Yoga in Mission Hills on Hancock Street in San Diego, California I was pissed, fuming, livid, bewildered, shocked, appalled, and beyond distraught.

Here's why...

the front desk girl was less than friendly in helping me get signed up as i was excited to be at a place i thought would become my favorite in all of san diego...

i then roamed aimlessly to find the locker room since the less than helpful front desk girl was in no mood to direct me or give me a tour of my new studio. once there i realized i had drank all my water on the way to class (good girl!!!) I freed my hands to go find the water fountain.

nope.

no water fountain.

okay. no big deal. next best thing. the sink in the womens locker room.

oh my water bottle doesnt fit under the spout? OH COME ON. of course. awesome.

woo saa.

okay. no big deal. grab a few bucks and go to the front desk. buy a bottled water.

hey less than warm and friendly front desk girl, how much is a bottled water?

"ummmm can you not see the prices???"

bitch, obviously i cant see the prices otherwise i wouldnt be asking you to read them aloud.

okay. heres a dollar.

"um, you dont want FIJI???"

no. i want to give you this $1 dollar bill and in exchange i would like you to hand me that large cold bottle of arrowhead spring water on the top shelf. thank you.

okay. its time. im good. ive got my water. im ready. im excited. im happy to be here.

finally. the moment ive been waiting for.

ahh the heat. ive missed you. it feels so goo.... CARPET?!?! EWW WHAT THE HELL? who has carpet in their bikram studios anymore? grosss o m g. it smells so bad in here. i cant believe they have carpet.

woo saa.

i told myself not to be perturbed when the 148 yr old tiny woman with arms and legs more frail than my ear lobe put her mat right next to mine even though there was no one on the other side of her.

i simply scooted my mat over. she smiled and told me she liked my colorful towel. okay thank you.

fine. on with class.

in comes "Hank" (names have been changed to protect the identity of the guilty)

Hank is wearing board shorts. and he is not fit.

thats fine. he doesnt need to be. im not looking at him anyway.

"focus one spot at yourself in the mirror"

ommm. breathing exercises. in through your nose and out through your mouth. happy place. happy place.

HEY JEANNE CALMENT!! QUIT SKIPPING AHEAD!!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeanne_Calment

Hank, this is where you say "okay. slow. stay with me, dont skip ahead, head back, six count, anddd elbows touch" TELL HER HANK!! TELL HER TO CHILL OUT!!

ugh why arent they listening to me? cant they hear my mental telepathy messages YELLING AT THEM?!?

WOO SAA.

okay. its fine. back bend to forward bend.

Bikram says "If you want to change your life do more back bends."

and forward bend... with your happy smiling faces. (hank didnt say it. but i still smiled)

What i love most about bikram is its 90 minutes of no thinking. i literally dont think at all. and for a female who over thinks every thing until i turn blue it is such a nice break in the day.

but in hanks class i thought through the whole thing.

i thought: lady scoot over. lady quit flailing your arms. lady im gonna break you in half. hank you should probably be doing this with us, just sayin. ladyyyyyyyy. hey guy in the back row, quit looking at me, ya i see you. these shorts keep riding up. its so annoying. i wish i wore those other boogie shorts. i wonder if lululemon has any new bikram shorts. her sports bra is really cute. i wonder where the closest lululemon is? i wish i had my book. i wish my book was on my ipod. ooo i wish i had my ipod.

86 minutes left.

THERE IS A CLOCK ON THE WALL. WHAT THE HELL. what kind of yoga place is this?

Why is there a clock??? so i can watch how painstakingly slow this class goes while old woman rivers over here thrashes her body around the room?

woo saa. focus. breathe. happy place.

okay floor series. half way. of course IT DIDNT HAVE TO BE FLOOR SERIES TO KNOW IM HALF WAY THROUGH CLASS THOUGH BECAUSE... THERE IS A FREAKING CLOCK ON THE WALL. ugh so annoying.

get through. get through elisa.

holy cow the carpet stinks down here. i cant even breathe. how can i keep my mouth closed and breathe through my nose? it smells so bad. oh i have a sinus infection too. ugh. i need kleenex. hey hank i need kleenex. oh. no kleenex. ya. of course not. okay. its hotter down here. is it hotter? is that possible? there have to be floor heaters? how can i let my heart rate slow if its hotter down here? its seriously hotter on the floor. what is going on?!?!

LADYYYY SLOW DOWN!!!

the light at the end of the tunnel. last few postures. thank God. i'm almost through class.

head to knee with stretching. i love this one. okay. cheer up. this is supposed to be your happy place elisa. its almost over. you got this.

and now. the moment ive been waiting for. the moment that will make the last 90 minutes all worth while. that one word that will make me forget everything i hated about this class. its all gonna be okay once hank says it. come on hank

"okay guys, great class. good job first timers. have a good night"

.....................................................

UMMM??? WHAT THE HELL???

.................. THATS ITS????

HANK??? you forgetting something????

NO NAMASTE???!!!!

this is unsat. 
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=unsat

what kind of yoga place is this? seriously? am i being punked? ashton? are you here? you took it too far. this isnt even funny.

yoga is supposed to be my thing. my zen. my happy. my cloud 9. my no thinking, just being.

my second class within the week is free and you know how we love our free shit. so im gonna go and pray for hanks sake that its a different yogi teaching and that they have gotten rid of the carpet and clock and installed a water fountain.

and if not i guess ill continue to do my research to find a new spot even though my first reaction was to start packing up the uhaul so i could go back to Bikram in Dallas. woo saa...

cross your fingers.

 oh and namaste*, world wide web.

tomorrow if a golden train came to take you away...

sabbatical sally here and happy to say I am getting all settled in nicely in san diego. i am loving every minute. the pups are happy. i am happy.

i had a friend come in town this past weekend and i made my first rendezvous up to anaheim to go to disneyland. it was such a fun filled day with friends, food, and roller coasters!!! i love roller coasters. dont you?!?!

life is kinda like one big roller coaster...

we have ups and downs and we never know whats coming next.

sometimes we are in dark tunnels and sometimes we feel like we are on top of the world. you can be all the way up there where you can see the view of the whole city at the perfect time right at sunset then when we least expect it... you can drop down as low as you can go in a split second. maybe even do a loopty loo... your stomach is in your throat. your whole world is tossed upside down.

but the highs make the lows all worth while.

i think life is about accepting the lows, learning from them and always appreciating the highs and realizing you cant stay up or down forever. 

and you, my dear, are my favorite roller coaster. whether you are here or there or hot or cold.

the highs make the lows all worth while.

here's to appreciating all that comes with the roller coaster we call life, world wide web